Picking up the Pieces
by BSGaddict
Summary: Kara begins to regret cutting Lee out of her life…but has she left it too late? AU from middle of LDYB2. KaraLee, some KaraAnders and LeeDee. Sequel to Freedom.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note:**

This is a sequel to a story I posted here a few months ago called Freedom. If you haven't read it, or can't remember what happened, here's a quick recap:

_Kara slept with Lee on a visit to Pegasus and the following morning announced she was going back to New Caprica to marry Sam. Needless to say, Lee did not take this well and they had a bitter argument which ended with them both declaring they were done with the other for good._

This story opens several months later. Kara has married Sam and hasn't seen or spoken to Lee since their quarrel….

**Chapter One**

It was one thing, Kara discovered, to cut Lee out of her life, and quite another to live that life without him in it.

Not that she regretted cutting herself free of him. It had needed to be done. She and Lee were no good for each other, never had been. She'd had to get away from him before he tore her apart any more than he already had.

She didn't regret marrying Sam either. Sam was everything she needed; easy-going, reliable, fun. She was happy with him, and with their new life on the planet, running their mechanics business during the day, drinking and laughing and frakking their way through the evenings. Sure, the weather seemed set on wet and muddy, and the tent seemed to get damper and colder every night, but it didn't bother her. She had Sam beside her and her future wide open ahead of her.

No, she didn't regret her decision. It was just…little things. That was all.

----

She'd stopped playing triad much in the evenings. There were several makeshift bars in the settlement, and from the first she and Sam had spent most of their evenings there, him drinking at the bar and chatting, her cleaning everyone out at triad.

But after a while, things changed. The regular triad players got to know her, became too wary to go up against her, folded at her first bluff. The few times anyone did stay in the game, she knew they had a good hand, because none of them ever tried to out-bluff her. They thought they were beaten before they even started.

Well, they were, but she wished they would at least try. She wished someone would go up against her with a pathetically weak hand and try to bluff it out, knowing they wouldn't win but challenging her anyway, just for the fun of it, and because maybe, maybe, this time they might win…

But no-one did.

Of course she still won, but it wasn't the same. She'd always thought triad had been about the winning for her; now she realised it was about the challenge.

So she stopped playing. Joined Sam at the bar instead. He put his arm around her, and laughed at her jokes, and didn't comment on the amount she was drinking.

----

On her birthday Sam threw a surprise party for her at one of the bars.

Everyone she knew from the settlement was there, and as many from the fleet as could get leave – Helo, Racetrack…even Kat. There was ambrosia and presents, and even a cake from gods knew where.

She was touched and a little overwhelmed, even ridiculously on the verge of tears. No-one had ever gone to such trouble for her birthday before.

"I didn't even think you knew when my birthday was," she said awkwardly to Sam, trying to make light of it.

He kissed her cheek and grinned widely, pleased by his success. "Well, you were wrong."

She grinned back, pushing down the tears. "Everyone has a skill."

"What?" He looked puzzled.

"Nothing," she said quickly, "just an old joke." It had slipped out without thinking.

"How do you mean?"

Kara pulled him onto the dance floor. "Never mind. It wasn't very funny anyway."

----

In the mornings they went running.

Two circuits of the settlement, every morning, without fail.

They jogged comfortably along, side by side, Sam adjusting his longer stride to match hers. Every few minutes he'd look sideways at her and smile, his eyes sparkling, and she smiled back.

A couple of times she suggested a race. Sam went along with her, but she could tell his heart wasn't in it. He just let her surge ahead and arrived back at their tent a few steps behind her, smiling lazily.

"Looks like you beat me again."

"You didn't put up much of a fight, Sam." It irritated her, though she wasn't sure why.

"Why should I?" He looked genuinely puzzled. "It's only a bit of fun, Kara."

----

Helo visited them every few weeks. Planet leave was easy to get now there was so little for the fleet to do. Patrol duty wasn't exactly stretching them.

They went to one of the bars, and Helo joked and laughed just as he usually did, teasing her about being grounded, but she could see something else lurking behind his smile.

When Sam went to talk to a friend at the bar, she seized the opportunity to pick him up on it.

"Spit it out, Karl."

"What?"

"Whatever it is you came here to tell me."

He shifted uncomfortably, but didn't deny it. They knew each other too well for that. "It's nothing much. Just some news. I thought I should tell you before you hear it from anyone else."

She took a casual sip from her glass. "News? About what?"

She knew about what, though. Or rather about whom. It was the only subject that produced that particular wary look in Helo's eyes.

"Apollo's getting married."

Kara took a deep breath. "To Dee?"

Helo nodded.

Kara picked up the beer bottle and slowly refilled her glass.

She should be glad about this. She'd told Lee he should stick with Dee, after all. Told him she was good for him.

And she should be glad for another reason. Because it showed he'd healed, moved on. That she hadn't damaged him permanently when she pushed him away. It meant she could forget the broken look in his eyes when she told him she didn't love him, the one she still saw sometimes on the unguarded edge of sleep.

"Good for him," she said finally, meeting Helo's eyes squarely. "I hope they'll be happy."

Helo stared at her for a moment, and there was something about the look in his eyes that made her clench her free hand into a fist.

"Will you go to the wedding?" he said finally, and under the table, her fist tightened until her knuckles cracked.

"Doubt it," she said, casually enough. "After all, he didn't come to mine."

----

Tyrol was going to be a father, and he made a special batch of his home brew to celebrate. He gave Kara two bottles when she stopped by to congratulate him and Cally on her way home from fixing a generator that had broken down for the umpteenth time.

She lugged the bottles home, wiped the worst of the grease off her face, curled up in a nest of blankets on the bed, and cracked one open. Gods, she was tired.

She gulped the first mouthful eagerly.

The sharp, distinctive flavour filled her mouth, stung the back of her throat. And something slipped inside her.

Something slipped, and suddenly all she could think of was the last time she'd tasted that flavour, back on Pegasus, how it had lingered on his lips and in his mouth when she was kissing him, mingled with that other taste that was all his own, that was like nothing else in the universe…

She hurtled up from the bed and out of the tent. Stood outside the flap taking deep, harsh lungfuls of the cool night air.

Poured every drop of that home brew into the long grass and hid the empty bottles where Sam wouldn't see them.

----

It was the anniversary of Zak's death that broke her resolution.

It was always a difficult day for her; even now, when it was all years in time and space behind her. She had changed so much from who she had been then that sometimes she barely recognised herself, and yet some things hadn't changed at all. Some things never stopped hurting.

She was in a foul mood all day, scowling and snapping, every word and look razor sharp. Sam tried joking her out of it, then ignoring her out of it, then tried to get her to talk about it.

She choked him off, of course. She couldn't talk about it, because he didn't know about Zak. She'd never told him – had never told him much about her past, altogether. Well, there was no reason why she should. He was her present and her future, and her past had no place with him. He didn't need to know about it.

So she couldn't tell him what was wrong, not without getting out the whole stupid, horrible story, and she couldn't face that, not today of all days.

Instead she snarled at him until he went away, and had to be nastier than she had expected. He wasn't usually quite that persistent. But she got rid of him eventually, and she pushed down the sluggish flow of guilt and told herself she'd make it up to him later.

She went for a walk round the settlement to work off her mood, and somehow found herself in one of the grounded raptors. Found herself putting on the headset, starting up the communicator. Placing a call, her heartbeat thudding in her ears and her fingers slightly unsteady on the controls.

Her voice was level though, as she made her request, not giving a name. Just in case he refused to take her call.

There was a crackle of static and then-

"Pegasus Actual."

Just two words, but at the sound of them, at the familiar cadence of his voice, something that had been wound tightly within her all day suddenly relaxed. She took her first full breath for what seemed like hours.

"This is Pegasus Actual. Who's there?"

He repeated it a few more times, with increasing irritation. She could picture him at the other end of line, frowning impatiently, hand tapping the console, eyes darkening.

She stayed silent, listening to his voice, until he said, in a quite a different tone, so quietly she barely heard it: "Kara?" and she cut the connection.

----

After that she found herself hovering around the landing strip every time a raptor arrived from the fleet. Found herself searching the crowd of arrivals, looking for a familiar dark head, a stiff-backed stride, a flash of blue eyes.

Of course he wasn't there. Of course he wasn't going to come all the way down here just to see why she'd called. Not after the way they'd left things between them.

She was a pathetic fool to even think it.

What the hell would she do if he did come, anyway? There was nothing to say that hadn't already been said, nothing to do that hadn't already been done. She didn't even _want_ to see him, not really.

It was just…

It was just that she hadn't expected everything to be so final between them.

Which was stupid, because she had meant things to be final. Had gone to a lot of trouble to make sure they _were_ final.

But she realised now that part of her had never expected to succeed. Had irrationally believed that things between her and Lee would never be final, not really. Not until one of them was dead, anyway.

Looked like she had been wrong.

----

She didn't regret her choice, though, despite those few moments of weakness. Staying with Lee had been too dangerous, would only have ended in hurt.

Marrying Sam was the best thing she could have done. It was easy and comfortable and simple, and she was happy. Theywere happy.

She rested secure in that fact right up until the day Sam told her that he was leaving.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The shock was so great that Kara couldn't speak when he first told her. Just sat there in numbed silence, staring at him, while Sam rambled on awkwardly about drifting apart and rushing into marriage and not knowing each other well enough…

That last comment finally roused her to speech.

"What do you mean, we didn't know each other well enough? When you proposed you said that it didn't matter. That you knew all you needed to."

Sam sighed heavily. "Well, I was wrong. But I really thought it didn't matter – I thought we'd have plenty of time to get to know each other after we got married."

"And we have."

"No we haven't." Sam paced restlessly to the tent flap and back again. "I don't know you, Kara. Not really. You won't let me."

Anger sparked and she embraced it with relief. It buffered her against the terrible crawling hurt. "What do you mean?"

"Well, for a start you won't talk about your past."

"I've told you hundreds of stories-"

"Yes, you have," said Sam bitterly. "Stories about your pranks at academy, or your drinking exploits, or your triad wins. But not the real stories, Kara. Not the ones that matter. Not where that silver ring came from, or why your faith is so important to you. You've never even mentioned your parents."

"Maybe I have nothing to tell," she muttered, pushing back an uncomfortable feeling of guilt. He was right, but…but she hadn't wanted him to know any of that. Had wanted to keep him separate from it all.

"Everyone has something to tell, Kara."

"Fine," she said. "You want to hear the story of my life? I'll tell you, if that'll stop this stupid-"

"It isn't just that, Kara." She wasn't used to seeing him this serious. "You've shut me out in other ways too. I can tell when something upsets you, you know. But you won't talk to me about it. You just pull away, and if I try to stop you, you lash out."

Kara was silent. Every word he said was true, but-

"That's not a real marriage, Kara. We should be able to tell each other things, lean on each other."

"Sam, I'm sorry. I'm just used to keeping things to myself. It doesn't mean I don't love you-"

"No," he said sadly. "It just means that you don't love me enough. Not enough to trust me with your secrets or your hurts." He smiled painfully. "I always knew you didn't love me as much as I loved you, Kara, but I thought I could live with that. Turns out I can't."

"Why not?" It was a struggle to get the words out. "We've been happy, haven't we? We've had fun together, been content-"

"It's not enough." The words seemed to explode out of him. "Yes, we've had fun, been happy, but it's all on the surface. Below it, we're as much strangers now as we were a year ago. And it's not enough. Content isn't enough to build a lifetime on."

"It sounds a lot to me," she said bitterly. Gods. Content wasn't enough? It was more than she'd had, for most of her life.

"I thought that once too. Before I realised there was something more. Something different. Something better."

Kara stiffened, light dawning. "You've met someone else. Haven't you?"

She almost growled the last words, but Sam didn't flinch. Held her eyes steadily. "Yes. I haven't slept with her, Kara. Haven't even told her how I feel."

"Do you expect me to thank you for it?" She felt as if he had stabbed her. How had she been so blind? So stupid?

"But the way that I feel when I'm with her – I can't let that go. I know her, you see. I understand her. She doesn't hold anything back."

Kara couldn't say anything. She clenched her hands so tightly the nails cut into her palms.

"I'm sorry, Kara. It's not that I don't love you – but I love her more. She's shown me joy…and beside that, content just isn't enough."

Kara had had enough. "Get out."

"Kara." His face was full of regret. "Kara, I'm so sorry. But I couldn't go on like this. It's not fair to either of us."

"I don't care. Just get out." Her voice was quiet and level. She was afraid if she screamed at him, she might never stop.

He went.

----

She wasn't sure how long she sat there, looking around at the pieces of her shiny new life. So much for that. So much for turning over a new leaf, breaking free of the past.

_I'll be interested to see how long it takes before you frak it all up._

Shut up, Lee. She put her hands over her ears as if that would block his voice out.

She had an urge to break something, but dirt floor and canvas walls were no frakking use for smashing anything against. Gods, she hated this planet.

_You will frak it up, Kara. You always do. You'll push him until he decides it's not worth the bother any more and leaves you._

Damn him. Damn him for always being right. He was going to crow over this one…

All at once she found herself laughing hysterically. Gods, just listen to her. Here she was, her marriage in pieces, and she wasn't even thinking about her husband, but about frakking Lee Adama and how he was going to think she was a screw-up yet again…gods, she was pathetic. Why did she always let everything circle back around to him?

Damn you, Sam, she thought furiously. You were supposed to set me free from all this, to be my way out. You aren't supposed to abandon me like this!

But he had. Because she wasn't good enough, once again. Because there was some other woman who made him feel joyful, who wasn't broken and damaged and trapped in her past.

Sam had been right about one thing. She _had_ held part of herself back from him. But she had given him everything she could. She'd given up flying, given up Lee, for a chance at a future with him.

And yet he said what they had wasn't enough.

That was when the tears came.

----

She allowed herself two days of grief. Two days hiding in her tent, floating in a haze of alcohol and pain. Two days to adjust to the loss of everything she had built her life around over the past year.

On the third day, she started packing.

Without Sam, there was nothing to keep her on this mud-ball planet. She'd only moved down here for him anyway. No reason to stay now.

She could fly again.

Even in the depths of her pain, her heart couldn't help lifting at that thought. She'd missed it so much, so much…now she didn't have to deny herself any more.

----

Adama was obviously upset to hear about her and Sam, but she could tell he was pleased to see her underneath his concern.

"Makes a nice change to have someone wanting to join the fleet rather than leave it."

She was too on edge to smile. "Will you have me back, then?" Part of her was desperately afraid he was going to say no.

"I'd be glad to. It happens I'm in need of a new CAG at the moment. Another departure for the planet."

Her heart soared with relief. "Well, if you can bear to have me as your CAG again, sir, I'm willing to try…"

She trailed off at the look on his face. She was missing something here.

"Well, actually…you won't be _my_ CAG." He turned his pen between his fingers. "The vacancy is on Pegasus."

Kara went absolutely still. Her ears started buzzing, and for a moment she thought she was going to faint.

"I'm not sure that would be a good idea, sir."

"Really? Care to tell me why?" His gaze pinned her to the bulkhead.

So he still didn't know why she and Lee had fallen out. No surprise there. Lee wasn't the sharing type any more than she was. And she certainly wasn't going to tell this particular story to Lee's father, of all people.

"No sir," she said, as firmly as she could manage.

"Then you won't object to taking the post on Pegasus."

"Couldn't I be CAG here, sir? Your CAG might be glad of the transfer-"

"Somehow I don't think she would. And it should be the new recruit who makes the adjustments."

"Then I could be a pilot here. I'm sure you could find someone else worthy of the promotion-"

"I don't need another pilot. I need an experienced CAG, and you're it." He was watching her intently. "I'm afraid that's the only post on offer, Kara. If you don't want it, then you're free to go back to the planet."

She knew he meant it. The Old Man didn't bluff about this kind of thing.

She stared at the deck, mind racing.

She couldn't do this. Go back to Pegasus, face Lee…oh gods, face his damned fiancée. It would be utter hell.

But…but…

If she didn't she would have to go back to the planet and face Sam. She wouldn't be able to fly. And she needed to fly.

That was what it came down to in the end.

So she told Adama she would go to Pegasus, and comforted herself with the thought that he'd never get Lee to agree to it anyway.

She'd just end up on Galactica after all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Kara's back."

Lee nearly dropped the report he was signing on the floor. He looked up at his father in surprise.

"What?"

"I said Kara's back in the fleet."

His father sounded casual, but Lee knew him too well to be fooled. He knew those intent eyes were watching him carefully, and he forced himself to keep his voice equally casual.

"What do you mean? Is she back for a visit?" He handed over the report.

Adama took it and signed it in turn. "No, she's back permanently. Re-enlisted yesterday."

Lee stared down at the floor for a long moment, taking the news in.

"I don't understand," he said slowly. "I thought she and Anders," he was proud that he got the name out without a hitch, "wanted to start a life away from the military."

"Things have changed," said his father. "She and Anders have split up. They're getting divorced."

If the news that Kara was back had felt like a slap in the face, this revelation was a punch in the stomach. It was several moments before Lee could trust himself to reply.

"Why? What happened?"

His father grunted. "How should I know? Come on, Lee, you know Kara. She's never been the confiding type any more than you have." Lee ignored the dig. "All I know is that they're finished and she wants to join the fleet again."

Lee wondered what had happened. She had been so certain Anders was right for her…he pushed the thoughts away, angry with himself. What did it matter anyway? Kara wasn't part of his life any more. He didn't give a frak what she did.

"And have you accepted her back?" Stupid question, he thought, as he asked it. He knew how much his dad had missed Kara when she left. There was no way he would turn her down.

"Of course. After all, we are a CAG short at the moment."

That made Lee finally look up. He stared at his father, his heart pounding.

"You didn't."

"Didn't what?" said his father. His eyes stabbed into Lee, sharp and piercing. "Didn't offer her the CAG position on Pegasus? Of course I did."

Lee laughed harshly. "You have got to be frakking kidding me."

"I'm sorry, Commander." His father switched into official mode. "I didn't quite catch that."

Lee met his glare defiantly. "I'm not taking her."

"It's not your decision."

"Why don't I take Kat, and you keep Kara here. I'm sure you'll be glad to have her."

Adama's glare strengthened. "Kat doesn't want to transfer. And why wouldn't you be glad to have Kara on Pegasus?"

Lee gritted his teeth. "It just wouldn't be a good idea. Trust me."

"I don't understand, Lee. You used to be such good friends." Adama's face softened, and Lee looked away. He could deal with his father's anger, but his sympathy was harder. "What happened between you?"

There was a loaded question. What to say to it?

She broke my heart? Far too melodramatic, even if it was the truth. She rejected me for another man and frakked me out of pity to cushion the blow? She made me believe she'd chosen me and then yanked it all away?

_I don't love you, Lee._ He could still hear her voice, see her face as she said the words.

Lee stared down at his clenched hands, pushing the memories away. He'd spent far too long dwelling on all that. He'd moved on now, built a new life for himself with Dee.

He looked up. His father was still watching him, with a hint of pity that made Lee recoil.

"We just…had a difference of opinion. That's all."

"That's all? Well, in that case, you won't mind having her on your ship."

"I won't-"

"Yes, you will," Adama said tightly. "You don't want Kara on Pegasus? Then tell me why, and I'll reconsider assigning her there."

Damn him.

Lee pushed out of his chair and stalked over to the other side of his father's cabin. He turned his back, trying to control his breathing.

Damn him to hell. Did he really think he could force him like this?

"Tell me, Lee," said his father quietly. "Tell me what happened."

How could he, Lee thought, even if he wanted to? He and his father didn't talk about things like this. They never had. He didn't even know how to start.

Maybe if this had been some other problem…but it was Kara. He'd never been able to explain about him and Kara to anyone – hell, he couldn't even explain it to himself. And to talk about it to his father, of all people – everything in him rebelled at the thought. Too painful, too humiliating.

He got his face under control and turned.

"There's nothing to tell."

His gaze locked with his father's. They stared at each other for a moment, both refusing to back away.

After a moment his father sighed. "Then I'm assigning Kara as Pegasus CAG, effective immediately. She'll be over tomorrow."

"Yes, sir." Lee picked up his pile of reports, his movements sharp and angry. He stalked over to the hatch.

"Lee. I'm just trying to-"

"I know what you're trying to do," he said rigidly, refusing to look round. "And it won't work. It's too late."

He was done with Kara. He'd told her that, and he'd meant it.

----

He stormed through the corridors back towards the hangar bay, barely noticing the people who brushed past him.

Gods damn his father, and damn her too. Why did she have to come back? Now? When he'd just got his life back together, was marrying Dee soon.

Well, he wasn't going to let her frak things up for him. Not this time.

"Hey, Apollo."

Lee blinked, and realised Helo was standing in front of him.

"Sorry, Helo. Didn't see you there."

Helo grinned. "Really? Most people say I'm kind of hard to miss."

Lee looked up at him, and found himself smiling back reluctantly. "Sorry again. I was… preoccupied. Did you want something?"

Helo smiled ruefully. "Well, I was going to tell you that Kara's back, but something tells me you already know."

Lee's smile died away. "Dad just told me. He's assigning her to Pegasus."

"So I heard," said Helo blandly. "Should be interesting."

Lee shot Helo a sharp look. He'd always got the impression that Helo had a pretty fair idea of what had gone on between him and Kara, although they'd never spoken about it openly. "So, she tell you why she's back? What happened between her and Anders?"

Helo shook his head. "I got the feeling she'd punch me if I tried to discuss it. But it's definitely over. I heard from Tyrol that Anders has already moved in with someone else."

Lee's eyes widened in shock. "Really? What a bastard."

"I couldn't agree more," said Helo grimly. "Want to go beat him up?"

"I'm sure Kara can take care of that herself." It was tempting though. He wanted to punch Anders for his stupidity alone, for having Kara's love and being careless enough to just throw it away.

"I don't know. She's pretty broken up."

_Good,_ Lee wanted to say. _I hope she's suffering. I hope he broke her in pieces. Now she knows how it feels._

He didn't say it, but what he was thinking must have been clear in his face, because Helo stiffened.

"Lee."

"What?"

"I know you're still angry with her for leaving the fleet, but-"

"But what?"

"Go easy on her. She's got enough to deal with at the moment."

Lee took a deep breath, trying to control his temper.

"Thanks for your opinion," he said icily, "but I know how to deal with Kara."

Helo looked politely sceptical. "Yeah, because the two of you have such a great track record."

Lee glared at him. "This is none of your business, Captain. Save your advice for someone who wants it."

He stalked off towards the hangar bay.

----

He fumed inwardly throughout the return trip on the raptor. Back on Pegasus, he found Dee in his quarters and relieved his feelings in a rant about his father's high-handedness.

"…after all, it is my ship," he finished. "Shouldn't I have some say in choosing my own crew?"

"I understand how you feel," said Dee calmly.

Lee envied her that calm. Always had. Some people would describe him as calm, but he knew it was just a hard-won control over the churning emotions beneath. His calm was a fragile shell, nothing like Dee's natural serenity. He kept hoping some of that serenity would rub off on him, but so far it hadn't. Still, just looking at her soothed him.

"It's hard though, juggling the crews now we have so few people left," Dee went on. "Your father has to think of the big picture. Most of our pilots here have a lot of experience; they won't accept anyone as new to flying as Kat is as their CAG, however talented she is. But Starbuck not only has more experience, she's served on Pegasus a couple of times before and they all know her. They'll accept her. It does make sense, Lee."

"I know," he sighed. He stopped pacing around the cabin and sat down on the sofa next to her. "I just wish he'd talk these things through with me instead of making a decision and dropping it on me out of the blue."

Dee put a hand on his arm. "That's not how he works, Lee. You know that."

They sat in silence for a minute, until he realised Dee was looking at him curiously.

"Lee, why are you so annoyed about having Starbuck here anyway? I thought you were friends."

Lee stared down at his hands. "Once. But we haven't spoken for months, you know that."

"But I thought you quarrelled because you were angry about her leaving the fleet. Doesn't her re-enlistment solve all that?"

Frak. It was a perfectly logical question, from her point of view. Lee struggled for a reply.

"Our quarrel wasn't just about that," he finally muttered. "There were – other problems too. Let's not waste time talking about it."

"Very well," said Dee agreeably, but there was something in her voice that made Lee uneasy. He'd sometimes wondered if she knew or suspected more about him and Kara than she let on. But they'd never talked about it, and he wasn't about to start now.

"It's going to make things very awkward, though," Dee went on smoothly, "with her as CAG here, unless you sort something out."

_Tell me something I don't know,_ Lee thought. "It'll be fine. We can have a professional relationship without having a personal one." He wondered why he was saying such a frakking ridiculous thing when he didn't even believe it himself.

Dee didn't pick him up on it though. "I hope you can," was all she said, with a slight of lift of her brows.

Lee smiled at her, grateful to her for not pushing him on this.

It wasn't the only thing he was grateful to her for. He didn't know what he would have done without her these last months, since Kara left him. She'd pulled him through that, given him the promise of a new start, a future free of Kara and all the emotional baggage of their past. Soon they would be married and starting on that future together. Leaving all the pain and mistakes of the past behind.

_I am not going to let her frak this up for me_, he thought as he kissed Dee, and tried not to hear the desperation in it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Kara took a deep breath as the raptor docked in the Pegasus hangar bay. She'd never expected to come back to this ship again – certainly not while Lee was still commanding it.

As she jumped down from the raptor she couldn't help remembering the last time she'd been in this hangar bay. Standing waiting for the raptor from New Caprica, bleeding invisibly from the wounds Lee had left during their final quarrel. Desperate to get off Pegasus and away from him before her resolve to walk away from him crumbled.

Now circumstances had forced her to walk back into his life, and she knew he wasn't going to welcome her. Not Lee, with his tendency to suck the life out of a grudge.

The prospect of facing him made her feel sick, and she battled an urge to get back on the raptor and flee back to the planet.

_No._

She wasn't going to do that. She stuck out her chin and lifted her pack out of the raptor. She was going to fly again. She needed to fly again, and she wasn't going to let anything stop her, certainly not Lee Adama.

"Starbuck!"

Kara turned at the familiar voice.

"Showboat?"

The viper pilot grinned and held out her hand. "I'm your welcoming committee. Good to see you back in uniform."

"Thanks." Kara smiled, pleased to see the other woman. They'd got on well when she'd been seconded to Pegasus before. "How's it going here?"

"Boring as frak, but what's new?" Showboat shrugged. "Can't complain really, at least we're not getting shot out of the sky. How are things on New Caprica?"

Kara grinned. "Boring as frak. If I'm going to be bored, I'd rather be bored in a viper. At least it's dry in space."

Showboat chuckled. "I'm with you there. One taste of the weather on that planet put me off the idea of ever settling there."

"I'd stick to that if I were you," Kara advised, and picked up her pack. "So what now, welcoming committee?"

"I'll show you where your rack is," said Showboat, heading towards the hatch. "There's only four of us left in the officers bunkroom now – we may be bored up here, but at least we've finally got some space and privacy."

Kara couldn't help being slightly relieved. It was going to be odd re-adjusting to communal living again after so long; at least she could ease into it gently.

Her relief disappeared as Showboat continued. "Then you're ordered to report to Commander Adama in his quarters."

Great. Not much time to prepare herself. Kara took another steadying breath and followed Showboat out of the hangar bay.

----

Kara desperately wished she was meeting with Lee anywhere but in his quarters. Those rooms brought back too many memories of the last time she had been there, the last time she had seen him.

It was unnerving. And knowing Lee, he'd asked her to meet him there precisely in order to unnerve her. He'd never been one for fighting fair.

She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing his ploy had worked. So as Showboat knocked on the hatch and announced their presence, she composed her face into a smooth professional mask, and wished she could control her thumping heartbeat as easily.

Then she was walking into the room, and Showboat was saluting and leaving with a nod, closing the hatch behind her.

And then there she was. Alone with Lee, as she'd never thought she would be again.

"Captain Thrace." Cold and formal, just as she'd expected.

"Commander Adama."

She looked him over as he stood in the middle of the room in that familiar stiff stance of his, as if he had an iron rod where his spine should be. Fought the urge to drink him in with her eyes. It had been so long…

He looked different. He'd put on some weight since she'd last seen him. Not much, but enough that in a previous lifetime she'd have made a crack about him thinking he was too grand to use the gym now he was a commander.

But other things were familiar. The look on his face, although she was more accustomed to seeing that cold, wary expression directed at other people rather than her.

She pushed down a brief, irrational wish that she could turn back time. She had chosen to put this distance between them; she couldn't take it back now.

"Please, take a seat." He gestured to the black leather sofa and pulled up a chair to sit opposite.

Kara sat down, involuntarily recalling the last time she had sat on this sofa. How she had tackled Lee and fallen off it and ended up kissing him on the floor by the coffee table, right where her feet were now. She glanced down at them and then jerked her eyes back up, furious with herself.

There was no indication on Lee's face to show if he remembered too, though Kara suspected asking her to sit there might have been another ploy to make her uncomfortable.

"Let's get down to business," he said coldly. "When we're done, Showboat has assembled the pilots in the ready room to meet you. You know most of them already, but there are a few new faces."

Kara nodded.

"I've called a senior staff meeting at 0900 tomorrow to introduce you as the new CAG. And I'd like next week's CAP schedule by the end of the day…"

He carried on talking about rosters and reports and briefings in a flat monotone.

Kara tuned him out. Instead she watched his face intently, suddenly realising what else about him was different. It had been nagging at her ever since she entered the room. It was more subtle than the weight gain, and she wasn't sure how to describe it.

Lee just seemed…muted, that was the word. Even in stillness there had always been something restless about him, a sense of some energy simmering just beneath the surface, ready to burst out. It was one of the things that had first drawn her to him, the contrast of that fire and passion bubbling away under that quiet, controlled face.

Now that had gone, as if some vital spark in him had been quenched. His movements were slower, his eyes darker, his voice quieter – everything about him was subdued. It hurt her to see it, and hurt even more to wonder if she had caused it.

"Stinger left several evaluation reports outstanding…"

Kara clasped her hands tightly together, nails digging into her skin. Typical Lee, keeping strictly to business, acting as if there was nothing more between them. Closing everything off as he always did. But she couldn't. It wasn't how she worked.

"Lee," she said, cutting him off in mid-flow.

He looked directly at her then, for the first time since she'd entered the room. Kara wished he hadn't. His cold eyes seemed to pierce right through her, dismissing her as if she was nothing.

"That's Commander Adama to you. Captain Thrace."

"Fine, _Commander_." She didn't bother to hold back on the sarcasm. He deserved it for being so petty. "I just wanted to say that I didn't ask for this."

"For what?"

"To be on Pegasus. The Old Man didn't give me any other choice."

"Me either."

Something tightened painfully in Kara's chest. She'd been surprised to hear Lee had accepted her transfer, had hoped it was a sign of forgiveness. Obviously not.

She struggled on. "So neither of us is happy with this. But we have to work together, so let's make the best of it-"

"I am making the best of it." Something was building behind those cold eyes now, she could feel it. "You don't have to worry I'll let my personal feelings interfere with my job, Captain. I'll treat you the same as I do my other officers-"

"Oh, really?" Gods, he could be a hypocrite at times. "So you look at all your officers as if they're a piece of shit you just scraped off your shoe?"

"What do you want from me?" Anger was sparking in those blue eyes now, and she welcomed it. "Last time we met I thought you made it crystal clear that you didn't want anything from me at all. So nothing is exactly what I'm giving you."

Kara bit her lip, remembering the brutal things she had said. "I know. I don't expect – I know we can't be friends again-"

"Damn right we can't." His eyes were blazing now.

"But we can at least be civil."

"Can you?" He smiled unpleasantly. "I'll be interested to see that."

"So will I."

They stared at each other for a moment, breathing hard. Then Lee sighed and looked away, running a hand through his hair.

"This isn't going to work," he said harshly. "Just go back to Galactica, Starbuck. Save us both a lot of trouble."

"Nothing I'd like more," she snapped, "but your father made it clear there's no place for me there. It's Pegasus or nothing."

"Why don't you try nothing then."

"Go back to the planet? You'd like that, wouldn't you?" She smiled thinly. "Well, too bad, _sir_. I'm back in the fleet and I'm here to stay."

"Too afraid to go back there, are you, and face your latest frak-up?" Lee's voice was razor sharp. "Tell me, have you burnt your bridges with Anders as thoroughly as you did with me?"

"Oh, here we go." Kara sprang to her feet. "I've been waiting for you to throw that in my face since I walked through the hatch. Yes, I frakked up, Lee, just like you said I would. Does that make you happy?" She could hear her voice trembling. Even the mention of Sam's name hurt her at the moment.

"No it doesn't." Lee stood to face her. "I don't care one way or the other. Not any more."

Kara didn't want to believe that, but she was afraid it might be true. There wasn't a flicker of emotion in his face.

"I told you that I wouldn't pick up the pieces," Lee went on flatly. "Not this time. I said I was done with you, and I meant it."

Kara stared at him. His face was blank, his voice cool and even. All anger vanished as if it had never been.

Maybe he really did mean it.

Cold fingers clutched at her heart, and she struck back. "That's fine. Because I'm done with you too, just as _I_ said."

She watched his face intently, hoping for a flicker of hurt, of anger, but there was none. He just nodded.

"That seems sensible."

_Sensible?_ she wanted to scream. _Since when have we ever been sensible?_

"You told me to move on, and I have," he said quietly, eyes fixed on her face.

She _had_ told him that. She had no right to be hurt by this, no right at all.

"So I think it would be best all round if we stay out of each other's way as much as possible."

"Fine by me," she said stiffly. If that was the way he wanted to play it, then fine. She wasn't going to embarrass herself by protesting.

"Good," he said. "If that's all, Captain, I'll see you tomorrow at 0900."

The dismissal was clear in his voice. Kara bit her lip at the insult. How dare he brush her away like that? An angry retort was on the tip of her tongue.

Then she looked at his face and bit it back. She recognised the expression in his eyes all too well. He was daring her silently, daring her to snap back at him, to tell him where he could stick his dismissal. She suddenly realised that the easiest way for him to get rid of her was if she did just that, if she let him goad her into open insubordination.

She wasn't going to let him win as easily as that. So she swallowed her anger and nodded, and was rewarded by a brief flare of disappointment in his eyes.

"Yes, sir. 0900." She saluted smartly and he blinked.

----

Kara paused in the corridor outside his quarters, gathering herself together.

At least it was over. And it hadn't been so bad, had it?

The worst bit, she thought, distantly and painfully, the worst bit wasn't that he had been so cold, so remote, so fiercely unforgiving. No, the worst bit was the warm glow that had kindled within her at seeing him again, at just breathing the same air as him again.

And even worse was the fact that she couldn't extinguish it. What an utter fool she had been to think that she had ever been free of Lee Adama, even for a second.

----

After a few moments she forced herself to push it all away and head towards the ready room to meet the pilots. Find refuge in her work as she had done so often before.

Halfway there she turned a corner and found herself face-to-face with Anastasia Dualla.

Another meeting she would have preferred to put off as long as possible. Kara groaned inwardly.

"Starbuck," said Dee pleasantly. She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "I heard you were back."

"Dee." Kara nodded. "I hear you're the XO now. Congratulations." She could be pleasant too, even if it killed her.

"Thank you." Dee was looking wary.

"And congratulations on the engagement," Kara forced out. She wasn't going to let Dee think she was jealous. Just because Lee had asked Dee to marry him, had obviously thought _she_ was worth loving-

The thought of them getting married still shook her. She'd always thought Lee was only using Dee as a substitute for her – gods, he'd almost admitted as much during their last quarrel. But the news of his proposal had changed all that. She knew Lee took the idea of marriage seriously, after what had happened to his parents. Maybe he really did love Dee after all.

"Thank you," Dee said smoothly. "The wedding's not far away now, you know-" She broke off, looking awkward. "I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't – that was tactless of me. I heard about-"

"Not at all," Kara ground out, choking back an urge to punch Dee in the jaw. _Don't you dare patronise me._

Maybe the urge showed on her face, because Dee blinked and changed the subject. "So, have you seen Lee yet?"

"Yes, I've just come from a meeting with him. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a briefing with my pilots." Kara started to turn away.

"Leave him alone."

Kara swung back, her jaw dropping. "_Excuse me_?"

Dee's chin was up and her eyes hard, all the smooth veneer stripped away. "You heard me. But I'll repeat it. Leave Lee alone."

Kara fought to keep a grip on her temper. "Where the frak do you get off, saying something like that? What happens between Lee and I is none of your business."

"Yes, it is." Dee tilted her head defiantly, refusing to back down. "Who do you think had to put him back together after what you did to him?"

Kara reeled inwardly. For a moment she couldn't breathe. "You mean he told you what-" The thought of it cut her to the core.

"No, he didn't," said Dee. The agonising pressure in Kara's chest lifted. "I don't know exactly what happened when you quarrelled, and I don't want to. But I could see clearly enough how much you'd hurt him. I'm not a fool, Starbuck."

Kara struggled for a reply.

"It took him a long time to get over that," Dee went on calmly. "But he has. He's happy now – _we're _happy. And the last thing he needs is you screwing up his life again." She leaned forward, staring coolly into Kara's face. "So as I said – leave him alone. If you care for him at all, just leave him alone."

With that she turned and walked away before Kara could reply.

Kara stared after her in shock for several moments. She'd never have believed Dee had it in her to stand up to her like that. She could almost admire her for it, for protecting Lee like that.

She wished she didn't. And wished even more that every word Dee had said hadn't been right.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Kara spent her first week on Pegasus doing exactly what Lee had asked. She kept her head down, stayed away from him as much as possible, and conducted herself professionally at all times.

Her reports were presented on time, she never spoke out of turn at meetings. There were no reports of arguments with pilots or the deck crew.

It pissed the hell out of him.

He wanted an excuse to be rid of her, to remove her disturbing presence from his life. He wanted an excuse to yell at her, to release some of that hurt and anger he had kept pent up inside him all this time.

She wasn't giving him one, and that only made him angrier.

But he knew Kara. She wouldn't be able to keep this model officer act up for long. She'd crack eventually.

----

Kara let out a sigh of relief as her viper left the launch tube.

Six hours of CAP stretched ahead of her. She knew that to most of her pilots that meant six hours of excruciating boredom, now that the Cylons were gone, but to her it was a relief.

CAP was six hours of freedom. Six hours where she could relax her guard and forget all about Sam leaving her and Lee hating her and the way her life had fallen apart.

Out here she could leave all that behind. Out here it was just her and the stars and she could soar through the dark, forgetting that anything else even existed.

Flying. How had she managed without it for so long?

Well, now she had it back, and she wasn't going to give it up again. It was worth putting up with Lee's cold stares, worth watching him and Dee in meetings, sitting together and sharing private looks. It even eased the pain of losing Sam, a little, soothed the constant ache inside her.

Sometimes she was tempted not to go back. To leave the CAP circuit and just fly on, out into the dark. To stop struggling to make a life for herself and leave everything behind.

In the end she always went back. She was Starbuck again now, and Starbuck didn't give up that easily.

But every time it was harder to resist the temptation.

----

It took longer than Lee had expected for Kara to crack.

She went three weeks without putting a foot wrong. CAP and flight briefings and training were efficiently organised. All the reports he requested were completed on schedule and without complaint, even when he asked for ones they both knew were completely unnecessary.

He couldn't complain about her behaviour to him either. She didn't speak to him much unless he asked her a question, but when she did she was polite and respectful, although she'd developed a habit of looking straight through him that made him want to shake her. It made him feel as though he didn't exist for her, as though he didn't matter.

He didn't have much time to get irritated by that look though, because outside meetings he barely saw her.

She was staying out of his way, just as he'd wanted. Keeping their relationship distant and professional, just as he'd told her to.

He couldn't complain. Shouldn't want to.

But he couldn't help feeling she was laughing at him behind that blank stare and stiff salute.

_We're done with each other, Lee, just as you wanted. How do you like it?_

----

By the end of the third week, Lee was beginning to feel uneasy.

He'd never known Kara to keep up an act for this long. And she wasn't just putting it on for his benefit. He'd started to notice other things in the last week.

When she was out on CAP she was keeping strictly to the plotted route. No diversions, no pulling fancy manoeuvres to show off or break the monotony or just for the hell of it. And there was no comm chatter with the other pilots. She only spoke to them to give orders or instructions. No jokes or teasing or just plain gossiping to pass the time.

A few casual questions produced the information that she wasn't spending much time with the pilots in the rec room either. When she wasn't out on CAP or in meetings she was locked in her office doing paperwork.

She wasn't even playing triad.

Lee didn't like it. That wasn't Kara. Kara liked crowds, liked noise, liked being the centre of attention. Kara questioned orders, thought she knew better, never held her tongue.

He didn't know who this quiet subdued woman was, but she wasn't Kara.

So he tried to push her out of it. Picked holes in perfectly good CAP schedules and told her to re-do them. Questioned irrelevant points in her reports, willing her almost desperately to respond. To tell him to frak off, get his head out of his ass, even to punch him.

But she didn't. She just nodded and made the changes without blinking.

Lee wanted to shake her and force her to tell him what the hell was going on, but he didn't. It was none of his business. She wasn't his problem any more, and that suited him just fine.

----

Then one day the CAP didn't go out on time.

Lee called down to the hangar bay. "What's going on, chief? CAP should have launched ten minutes ago."

"One of the pilots failed to show, sir. Showboat's finding a replacement."

"Showboat?" Lee's hand tightened around the receiver. "Why not Starbuck? She's the CAG, last time I checked."

An awkward pause. "She's the missing pilot, sir."

"Is that right," said Lee grimly.

He put down the receiver and turned to Hoshi. "I'm going down to the hangar bay to find out what the hell is going on. You have CIC."

Hoshi looked slightly surprised. "Yes sir."

Maybe he didn't really need to go to the hangar bay himself, Lee thought, as he left CIC, but he wanted to know what was happening. If Kara was shirking her responsibilities, he needed to deal with it.

And there was a thread of anxiety sneaking through his mind, though he refused to admit it. He'd expected Kara to mess up sooner or later, but not like this. He'd happened to see her launch for CAP a few times, and it was the only time she looked relaxed. It would take something serious to make her miss it.

So he was worried, and angry at himself for being worried, and even angrier at Kara for making him worry. He arrived in the hangar bay wearing an expression that caused several of the younger deckhands to scurry out of his way and made Showboat and his chief snap to attention immediately.

"Showboat. Have you found a replacement pilot yet?"

"Yes sir. He's suiting up now."

"We're just doing the final checks on his viper," said the chief. "CAP should be launched in ten minutes at the outside."

"Good." Lee turned back to Showboat. "Where's Captain Thrace?"

Showboat shifted awkwardly. "Sir, I don't think she's feeling well-"

"I didn't ask how she was feeling, I asked where she was," Lee snapped.

"I'm not sure," Showboat admitted.

"So you haven't seen her?"

"No." Showboat was staring at the deck.

"Then how do you know she's ill?" Lee knew he should soften his tone. This wasn't Showboat's fault. But he couldn't help it. The thread of anxiety was thickening now.

"I don't, sir. I just thought-"

"I don't want to hear what you think, and I don't want to hear you making excuses for Captain Thrace. She can do that herself when we find her."

Showboat's mouth set into a hard line. "Yes sir."

She walked beside Lee in stony silence as they checked the bunkroom, the mess, the ready room and the rec room. No sign of Kara. Lee tried to ignore the growing feeling of dread in his stomach.

"Let's try her office."

The hatch to Kara's office was locked. Lee hammered on it furiously.

"Starbuck!"

No answer.

Lee knocked again, trying to suppress the unpleasant images his imagination was conjuring up.

"Starbuck, open up!"

Still no reply.

"Kara, open the frakking hatch!"

Nothing happened. There was no sound of movement from the other side of the hatch.

"Sir."

Lee stopped banging on the hatch, noticing vaguely that there was a smear of red across his knuckles. He turned to Showboat angrily. "What is it?"

"I was just going to suggest that you over-ride the hatch controls. Sir." She bit off the words sharply.

_But if you want to continue banging on the hatch like a fool…_she left the words unsaid, but Lee could see them in her eyes.

He swore silently and opened the hatch control panel. He punched in his over-ride code, and heard the locks disengage. He pulled open the hatch, breath hitching at the thought of what he might find.

She was there.

She was there, and she wasn't hurt or unconscious. For a moment that was all Lee registered. Then he saw the empty ambrosia bottle beside her where she sat slumped in a corner, saw the drunken glaze in her eyes, and the relief was swept away by fury.

She was drunk. That was all. She'd caused him all this trouble, all this worry, just because she couldn't control her drinking. As frakking usual.

He turned to Showboat. "You're dismissed, Lieutenant."

Her eyes widened at look on his face. "Sir." Her eyes flicked past him to Kara. "Sir, I just want to say-"

Lee glared at her. He didn't have time for this now. "I said you're dismissed, Lieutenant. Was that somehow unclear?"

"No, sir, but-"

"Then I suggest you leave, unless you want to find yourself on report." He wasn't sure how much longer he could hang on to his temper.

Showboat looked back at him, face hardening. "Yes, sir."

She left without saluting, but Lee didn't care. At least she was gone.

He turned back to Kara. She had lifted her head and was looking at him with bleary eyes. "Lee?"

He gritted his teeth. "On your feet, Captain."

She blinked at him. "What?"

Lee stalked over to her. "I said, on your feet!"

She didn't move, and something inside Lee snapped. He reached down, grabbed her shoulders and dragged her upright.

"Lee!" Kara swore and twisted out of his grip. "What the frak is wrong with you?"

"What's _wrong_? You're drunk, that's what's wrong!"

"So what if I am?" She wasn't looking through him now, he saw with triumph. Her hazel eyes were blazing straight into his. "What I do off duty is none of your business-"

"But you _are_ on duty," he shot back. "You should be on CAP right now."

"CAP?" She blinked, the fierce light dying out of her eyes. "What-?" She looked at her watch, and her eyes widened. "Oh, gods."

"Yes, Captain. You should have been on CAP half an hour ago." He was getting his anger under control now; every word came out clipped and precise. "Showboat had to find someone to go in your place, and I got called away from CIC to sort out the mess."

He stared coldly at her, waiting for a reply. Kara had gone pale, but she stared defiantly back.

"Well?" he asked when she said nothing.

"Well, what?"

"What have you got to say for yourself?"

"Nothing, Lee." She laughed harshly. "What's the point? You don't give a frak what I've got to say, so don't pretend you do. You're just happy I've finally given you a reason to get rid of me."

Lee blinked, disconcerted. Wasn't she even going to argue with him? "I don't-"

"Save it, Lee. You've been waiting for me to frak up for weeks, we both know that. Well, congratulations. You've won." She slumped wearily against the wall.

Lee stared at her, confused. It wasn't like Kara to just give in so easily. "Aren't you even going to defend yourself?"

"Are you going to listen?" Kara scoured his face and then smiled bitterly. "Didn't think so."

"I can't overlook this, Starbuck."

"You mean you won't." She closed her eyes briefly. "All I wanted to do was fly, Lee, you know? I didn't want to get in your way or cause you trouble."

"Well, too late," he said roughly.

"I just need to fly," she said again, and the look on her face made his heart twist inside him. "Don't you understand?"

He did understand, that was the hell of it. He knew all about using flying as an escape, as a salve to a wound.

He opened his mouth to say that he didn't care, that she could take herself off his ship and back to New Caprica. But the words didn't come out quite right.

"Sober yourself up, Captain, and report to my quarters. I'll tell you my decision then."

Her mouth opened, startled, but he turned and left before she could reply.

Outside in the corridor, he rubbed a hand over his face, bewildered. Why the hell had he said that? Why hadn't he seized the opportunity to get rid of her?

Why was he always so weak when it came to her?

"He sent her the divorce papers."

The voice made Lee jump. He turned to see Showboat, staring at him with accusing eyes.

"What?"

"Her husband sent her the divorce papers," said Showboat tightly. "She got them last night, and I could see how upset she was, although she tried to pretend she wasn't."

So that's what had triggered this. Lee remembered the pain in her eyes when she'd said she needed to fly, and wished he'd taken Helo up on his offer to beat up Anders.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" he asked sharply. He wouldn't have been so hard on her if he'd known-

"I tried," said Showboat sharply. "You wouldn't let me."

True enough. Lee flushed slightly.

He nodded towards the closed hatch. "See if she needs any help," he said curtly, and headed off to his quarters.

----

He hoped being in his quarters would revive his anger with Kara. It usually did. The place echoed with the brutal things she'd said to him all those months ago, the relentless way she'd torn him apart.

But this time it didn't work. His anger wouldn't hold. Instead he kept remembering how quiet she'd been these last few weeks, the weary pain in her eyes, the way she wouldn't even fight with him.

He remembered when he'd first heard about her and Anders, how he'd hoped Anders had broken her in pieces.

He took it back now.

Helo had said Anders had left her for someone else. Rejected her. Kara, who'd had so much taken away from her already, who never seemed to believe she deserved anything better.

_All I wanted to do was fly, Lee._

He couldn't take that away from her as well.

So when she finally appeared in his quarters, clean and sober, her hair tightly pulled back, uniform neatly buttoned, and bitter resignation on her face, he just told her he was putting a written reprimand on her record. "And you can cover Hoshi's CIC shifts while he takes a week's leave. During your off-duty time."

"That's it?" she asked warily.

"That's it." He kept his voice hard, warning her not to thank him.

She didn't. "Yes sir."

Lee waited until she had gone and took a long breath. He was going to regret this, he knew that.

But somehow he didn't care.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Kara stopped looking through Lee after that, and he stopped trying to provoke her into leaving. But he still kept his distance, only seeing her at meetings, only speaking to her about work.

He watched her, though. Listened to the comms when she was flying. Knew she still stayed out of the rec room, barely spoke when she was on CAP.

He didn't do anything about it though. Until his mother's birthday.

Pegasus had a memorial corridor for the colonies just as Galactica did. An area of wall for each colony, covered with photographs and messages.

Lee didn't often go there. Looking at those mementos of the dead made him think about his mother and wonder how she had died, if she had lived long enough to know what was happening to her…

Painful and futile. So he didn't go there, except on two days of the year. His mother's birthday, and Zak's.

He went at the end of the night shift, when the ship was quiet and there were few people about. So he was startled to find someone by the Caprica memorial wall, and even more startled to see that it was Kara, fair head bowed in prayer.

He almost turned away, meaning to wait out of sight until she left, but at that moment she turned her head and saw him.

"Lee." She sounded awkward.

"I didn't mean to disturb you."

"No, I was just – I'll go," she said, walking towards him. "You probably want to be alone."

Lee found himself putting a hand on her arm as she passed him, stopping her.

"Kara." It was the first time he had called her that since she came back. She looked up at him, startled. "Were you praying for her?"

Kara nodded, still looking awkward. "She was always kind to me, Lee. I miss her."

Lee swallowed hard. "So do I." He suddenly remembered a dinner at his mother's house, seeing it as clearly as if he were there. Kara telling stories about the various pranks she had played on her fellow nuggets at flight school, grinning wickedly at Zak, making his mother laugh so much she choked on her soup. She'd liked Kara a lot, considered her one of the family…

"It was you who called me on Zak's anniversary, wasn't it," he said.

"Yes." Kara was watching him warily.

And Lee knew, abruptly and finally, that he couldn't just walk away from her. Not when she was hurting. Not when he could help. There was too much history between them for that. Whatever she'd done, whatever she did, she would always be the girl his brother had loved, the girl his mother had welcomed into their family.

He couldn't turn his back on that.

"I've got a free shift tomorrow," he said, taking a deep breath. "I thought-"

"What?" Kara bit her lip. In anyone else, he would have said it looked nervous.

"I thought maybe we could go flying. Together." He stopped, looking at Kara. Her eyes were wide, and she wasn't saying anything. "You know, for old times sake," he finished awkwardly.

A smile spread hesitantly across Kara's face. "Do you mean that?"

Lee nodded.

Kara's smile grew, and Lee found himself smiling back. It was so long since he had seen that smile. "Just tell me when, Apollo."

Maybe they could be friends again, he thought. He missed their friendship, and they'd always been good at being friends. It was when they tried to be anything more that they hit trouble. And he knew better than to try that again. He'd been burnt too many times – and anyway, he had Dee now.

Friends, though, that was all right. Friends was safe enough.

----

The following afternoon, Kara waited for Lee in the hangar bay.

She was half expecting him not to turn up. She still couldn't believe he'd suggested flying together at all. After the way he'd been ignoring her for the last month, it was a surprising turnaround.

Just as surprising as the way he'd spent weeks trying to push her to frak up so he could get rid of her, and then as soon as he had an excuse to, relented and let her stay.

It made no sense – but then, when had Lee ever made sense? She'd long ago decided that she'd never understand how his brain worked, even if she lived to be a hundred.

Anyway, it didn't matter. It seemed that for whatever mysterious reason, he'd decided to forgive her at least a little, and she was just grateful for that. At last she had one bright spot in her screwed-up life.

Which, knowing her luck, was exactly why he wouldn't turn up.

----

Ten minutes after the time they'd agreed to meet, Kara was just bitterly deciding that she had been right when Lee appeared in the hangar bay, slightly out of breath and fastening his flightsuit.

"Sorry I'm late. I got held up in CIC."

"No problem." Kara shrugged casually.

Lee wasn't fooled. He looked at her sharply. "Kara, I said I'd be here, and I am."

"I thought you might change your mind," she said, staring down at the deck.

"Well, I haven't," said Lee, after an awkward pause. "Look Kara, let's just go, shall we? It's not like you to waste valuable flying time."

That made her smile, as she knew he'd meant her to. "All right, Apollo. See you outside."

----

It was weird, flying with Lee again. Glancing to her right and seeing him hovering a wing tip away. It was almost as if the past eighteen months had never happened, as if she was still a lieutenant, and he was her CAG and her wingman and her best friend, and the Pegasus was just a ship that had been destroyed along with the twelve colonies.

"So, Starbuck," he said over the comms, breaking in on her melancholy thoughts. "I've got a challenge for you."

"A challenge?" she said, startled. "What kind of challenge?"

"An important one," he said, in a tone that made her throat constrict. She'd never thought she'd hear that familiar teasing note again. "I want you to prove to me you haven't lost your touch."

She stiffened in her seat, insulted. "Lost my touch?"

"I've watched you on CAP, Starbuck. Plodding round the circuit like a mule on a tether…"

"Apollo!" She was surprised into laughter. "Well, if I'm a mule, what does that make you, CIC boy? A snail?"

He ignored her, talking over her. "No finesse, no flashy moves…do you even know how to do a Picon barrel roll any more?"

"Frak you, Lee," she said, and performed one perfectly.

"Come on, Starbuck," he said when she had finished. "Any nugget can do one of those. You'll have to do better than that. Double it."

She doubled it. She knew what he was trying to do – he wasn't exactly being subtle about it – but she didn't care. This was the happiest she'd felt since Sam left her.

"Come on, Apollo," she said when she finished. "Stop being so lazy. Triple roll."

He did a triple roll, and challenged her to a quadruple, and back again.

Kara barely hung onto her stomach contents through six rolls and whooped in triumph when Lee flipped out before he reached seven.

"Show some commitment, Apollo!"

"Frak commitment. I am not flying around for the next two hours with vomit in my helmet."

"Chicken." Kara grinned. "What next?"

"Aerilon spins."

Aerilon spins were followed by Virgon spirals and Geminon loops and eventually what seemed like every manoeuvre they'd ever learnt, in and out of flight school, from the basic to the fiendishly complicated, from the mildly risky to the downright dangerous.

"Don't tell me you've run out of manoeuvres," she teased, when they finally paused.

"Time for something different," he said, laughing. "You've proved you've still got style, but what about speed?"

"Speed?" Kara grinned in anticipation. "You mean a race?"

"That's exactly what I mean. Round the Rising Star, out to the Geminon Traveller, past Galactica and back to Pegasus."

"You're on. What are the stakes?"

"Stakes?"

"Come on, Lee. Flying races are like triad – no fun without stakes."

"Fine. If I win you can give me that Caprican cigar Showboat tells me you have stashed away."

"That traitor. Very well, I accept."

"And you?"

Kara held her breath for a moment, wondering whether to risk it. She wasn't sure yet if they were on firm enough ground.

What the hell. She'd always been one for taking risks.

"If I win, I want you to come running with me every morning." Silence. She bit her lip, kept her voice light. "You look like you could use the exercise."

Another moment of silence.

"Frak you, Starbuck." Kara exhaled in relief, relaxing her tight grip on the controls. "I accept. But just for that, I'm going to leave you choking in my dust."

"Not technically possible in space, Apollo."

"Like you've ever given a shit about what's technically possible. Are we starting this race or not?"

"Gods, you're touchy. Feeling a little nervous, are we?"

"Starbuck-"

"Okay, okay. Counting down from ten. Ten, nine, eight…"

----

Kara put everything she had into that race. It was so long since she had done something like this, since she had flown with no purpose, no reason, for nothing but the thrill of it and pure competitiveness.

Besides, this was Lee she was racing with. They'd always had an unspoken agreement when racing against each other not to hold back or pull any punches. To put their absolute best into it, even if it was only a friendly race.

So she hurtled round the Rising Star as fast as she could go, pulling into the turn at the very last second, her muscles screaming with the effort.

Lee was only a fraction of a second behind her. He'd obviously still been putting in some time in a viper recently, even though it was no longer part of his official duties.

They reached the Geminon Traveller side by side, and Lee pulled a slightly tighter turn, taking the lead.

Kara swore under her breath. _Don't think you're going to beat me that easily, Adama._

They raced on. Galactica loomed ahead of them, a dark mass against the stars. They'd need to circle around it to head back to Pegasus.

Kara set her teeth. She was going to get the lead back on this turn if it killed her.

As they reached Galactica's stern, she held her angle as long as possible. The side of the ship rose up in front of her, so close she could almost touch it…

"Kara, turn!" Lee's voice rang furiously in her ears. "Turn! You're going to hit it."

She laughed fearlessly, and twisted her viper at the last possible moment, just skimming Galactica's stern. She held the turn fiercely, riding out the force of it, and headed towards Pegasus several vipers-lengths ahead.

"Have a little faith, Lee."

"You are frakking insane, you know that?"

She laughed again, and couldn't stop chuckling until she docked back at Pegasus. Lee pushed his viper to the limit and made up a lot of ground, but she still nipped into the launch tubes a few seconds ahead of him.

She pulled off her helmet and handed it to a deckhand, who blinked in surprise at her broad grin. She climbed out and hurried over to perch on Lee's ladder. He was just unfastening his metal collar.

"Looks like I won."

"Only because I have some sense of self-preservation."

"I knew what I was doing."

He looked at her sceptically. "You always say that."

"Because it's true. So, you ready for our run tomorrow? 0700?"

"That early?" Lee pretended to groan. "I'll be there."

----

She probably shouldn't be doing this, Kara thought, as she waited outside Lee's quarters the next morning. Shouldn't be spending time with Lee again. She should stay well away from him, just as she'd done for the last year, just as Dee had said. Nothing had changed; he was still as dangerous to her now as he had always been.

But…but…

She'd missed him so much, and she was so lonely here on Pegasus, without Sam, without Karl, without the Old Man. She needed a friend, and Lee had always been a good friend. There was no danger of anything more. She knew better than that; they both did. And Lee was getting married in a few weeks anyway.

Kara unconsciously gritted her teeth at the thought.

At that moment the hatch opened and Lee emerged from his quarters. He blinked at her expression. "Something wrong?"

Kara hastily donned a pleasant smile. "Not at all. Ready to go?"

Lee nodded.

"Good. Last one to the mess hall gets the coffee."

Lee groaned. "Not another race. What is it with you, Kara?"

"You say that like you don't enjoy it." She grinned. "How about I let you win this time?"

"Frak you." Lee set off down the corridor without warning.

Kara smiled happily and followed him.

All that mattered was that she had this back, and that the dragging grey weight she had carried around since Sam left her seemed to be finally lifting. She didn't care about anything else.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Running together became a daily event, and after a few days it seemed natural to end it by having breakfast together in the mess. That became a daily event as well.

Slowly and cautiously, they were rebuilding their friendship. Sometimes they had lunch together as well, and they snatched a flight together whenever they could.

Kara was aware they were the subject of curious stares from the crew, particularly those who hadn't known her and Lee on Galactica. They couldn't understand why, after weeks of coldly ignoring each other, their commander and their CAG were now spending half their off-duty time in each other's company. It made her grin inwardly. Some things never changed – no-one had ever really understood how their friendship worked.

Dee certainly didn't understand. Her expression whenever she saw Lee and Kara together made it clear enough that she didn't like this new development between them.

One day she cornered Kara after a meeting.

"I thought I asked you to leave him alone."

Kara shrugged. "You asked. I didn't promise anything."

Dee's mouth set in a thin line. "He doesn't need you messing up his life-"

"Oh, so you speak for him now, do you?" Kara turned on Dee, eyes narrowed. She really didn't need this.

Dee flushed. "I don't-"

"If Lee wants me out of his life, he's more than capable of telling me himself. So why don't you keep out of it." Kara smiled sweetly. "Otherwise I might start to think you're feeling threatened."

Dee's eyes flashed angrily. "By you? I don't think so." She stalked away.

Kara watched her retreating back smugly. She'd won that round.

----

Dee was completely wrong, anyway. She wasn't messing up Lee's life. She was just being his friend again, and she'd come to realise over the last few weeks that he needed a friend as much as she did. He was rather isolated on this ship, just by virtue of his rank. His crew generally liked and respected him, but he was still their commanding officer, and that created a distance that was always there, however informal the situation. None of them had really known him before he took over as their commander, so there was no past friendship to overcome the barrier. Kara was the only person who could do that.

So she told herself there was no harm in getting close to him again. They both needed it, and there was no danger of it going further than it should. She knew better.

Sometimes it was hard to remember that, though. There were moments – when he smiled at her in a particular way, when their eyes caught and held, when he brushed past her as they were running or when their fingers touched as he passed her a cup of coffee – that made her heart thump and her mouth go dry. Made her think foolish thoughts about the way things could have been.

The worst times were in the gym. He was determined to lose that extra weight, so as well as running he'd gone back to working out in the gym. He needed someone to spot for him and he'd asked her, because he'd felt the others might find it awkward, working out with their commander.

So she'd agreed. Big mistake.

Of course, she'd seen him half-naked and sweating a hundred times before. And she had years of experience in pretending it didn't affect her. But now it was a million times harder. Because now she didn't have to imagine what his skin tasted like, or how his muscles would feel under her fingers. Because now she knew. She remembered. Memories that came flaring back all too vividly every time she looked at him. Rousing impulses that she fought desperately to bury.

Every session spotting him sent her straight to the punching bag afterwards, fiercely pounding those impulses away. Reminding herself with each blow of all the reasons she couldn't act on them.

_If you ever gave in to what you feel for him, it would swallow you whole._

_It wouldn't last. You'd let him down and he'd leave you, just like everybody else._

_It would tear you to pieces when he left._

_It's not safe to care that much about anybody._

_He's getting married in a few weeks anyway._

The last one didn't really help though. In fact it just roused all those impulses again, especially when she saw him with Dee.

He never talked to her about the wedding, even though it was getting close now, and Kara was relieved. She didn't think she could chat about it. It felt like a terrible shadow, looming over her.

She knew she was being irrational. Nothing would change when Lee was married, not really. He'd still be her friend. They'd still go running together and have lunch together. The only difference was that when he went back to Dee at the end of the day she'd be his wife rather than his girlfriend.

No difference at all.

There was no reason for this stupid feeling that she was going to lose him.

----

"Full colours." Kara smirked as she laid down her cards and the other pilots all groaned.

"Not again, Starbuck!"

Showboat laughed. "That's positively uncanny."

Kara grinned and drained her bottle of beer. "Nothing uncanny about it. It's just natural talent."

"Not to mention all those years you spent hanging around in bars when you should have been studying."

Kara looked up, startled by the familiar voice, and grinned to see Lee in the doorway. He was watching her with a reminiscent half smile.

"You're just jealous, Adama."

Chairs scraped around her as the other pilots realised Lee was there. They got to their feet, saluting and standing to attention.

"At ease, everyone." The smile faded from Lee's face. "Sorry to interrupt the game – I just needed a quick word with Starbuck."

Kara got to her feet. "Back in a minute, guys." She followed Lee out into the corridor. "What's up?"

"Nothing serious. I just wanted to let you know that I won't be able to make our flight tomorrow."

"Oh." Kara tried to swallow her disappointment.

"I'm sorry, it's just – well, I have to go with Dee to see the priestess on the Geminon Traveller."

A priestess? Something to do with the wedding, then. Kara bit her lip and glared down at the deck. "Don't worry about it."

"I'm sorry, but it's the only time she could fit us in."

"I said its fine." Kara pushed down the surge of jealousy and tried to make her voice light. "I need some more time to sort out the new CAP schedule anyway."

"Okay then. Well, I'll head off now. Let you get back to your game."

He started to turn away, but not before Kara had caught a slightly wistful expression in his eyes.

"Lee!"

He turned back. "Yes?"

"Come and join us," she said impulsively. "If you haven't got anything else to do, that is."

"No, I haven't." Lee paused, looking uncertain. "Kara, I don't want to intrude."

"You're not," she said firmly. It was about time he learned to relax a bit around his crew. "You'd be doing me a favour, anyway. I'm wiping the floor with that lot, and I'm bored with it. I need a challenge." She grinned at him, stepping closer. "Think you can give me a challenge, Lee?"

His eyes sparked in response, and her breath caught in her throat.

"Oh, I'm sure I can." He grinned.

"Then come on." She led him back into the rec room, and pretended not to notice the sudden silence as they entered.

"Make room for the commander," she said breezily. "He's joining our game."

The pilots looked bewildered, and not particularly welcoming, and Kara felt irritated. For the gods' sake, they were acting as if Lee was some sort of ogre.

"Let's find him a seat." She glared at one of the nuggets, who blinked at her for a moment, and then jumped up and went to fetch Lee a chair. Showboat shifted along to create a space in the circle for him, and Lee sat down. He smiled round at everyone, but Kara could tell he was feeling a little awkward.

"I couldn't resist the opportunity to break Starbuck's winning streak," he said finally, and Kara could see the pilots relax a little.

"Getting a bit cocky, aren't you, sir?" she shot back, grinning. "What makes you think you'll even get an opportunity?"

She could almost hear a collective intake of breath around the table at her provocative tone, and feel the tension as they waited for Lee to respond.

He grinned at her, and she could see in his eyes that he knew exactly what she was trying to do. "Careful, Starbuck. You're sounding threatened."

The pilots grinned at his good-humoured reply, and everyone started to relax. Kara smiled inwardly.

"By you? I don't think so," she scoffed, and started to deal the cards.

----

Kara was relieved to see that her impulse had been a good one. The card game was less rowdy with Lee present, and she knew the pilots were keeping more of a guard on their tongues than usual, but the initial awkwardness faded away. The pilots started to laugh and comment on the running banter between Lee and Kara, and even began to make a few jokes of their own, or address a comment to Lee directly.

Kara grinned to herself. _See guys, he is human after all…_

No-one had managed to break her winning streak yet, although Showboat and Lee were giving her a good run for her money.

The next round, she had a middling hand. Not great, but probably enough to win if she could bluff everyone into dropping out. She smiled smugly and bet big.

Most of the others dropped out in the first few rounds of bidding, until only Showboat and Lee were left.

Kara raised the stakes, and Lee whistled. "That's high, Starbuck. Can you back it up?"

She smiled slowly, eyes holding his. "You'll have to find out, won't you?"

"Well, I won't," said Showboat. "Too high for me. I fold."

Kara finished her beer and reached for another bottle. "How about you, Apollo?"

"Oh, I'm in." He smiled cockily, his blue eyes gleaming. "In fact, I'll go further. Raise you, Starbuck." He pushed the rest of his counters into the centre of the table.

There was a chorus of laughs and whistles from the pilots. "Go commander," said one admiringly.

Kara caught her breath, amused by his daring. "That's pretty risky."

"I'm confident," said Lee blandly.

Their eyes met, and Kara felt a surge of exhilaration. Gods, she had missed this…

"Are you?" She looked at him consideringly. Was he bluffing? It was always hard to tell, well as she knew him. He was all too good at keeping his face blank and his eyes guarded.

"Well, Starbuck?" he asked, smile bright with challenge. "What are you going to do? Stay or fold?"

Kara thought rapidly. If she'd had a better hand, there would have been no question, but Lee wouldn't need much to beat her. And she was sure he must have a good hand. Lee wasn't a particularly cautious player, but she'd never seen him put all his money on the table before. He must be fairly confident of winning to do that.

"I fold," she said finally, and put down her cards. She looked round the table, amused by the astonishment on their faces. "Come on, people. I'm good, and that means I know when the stakes aren't worth playing."

"Do you?"

There was something about Lee's tone that made Kara's eyes snap towards him. He sounded just a bit too amused for her liking.

"Let's see your cards," she said suspiciously.

"If you insist." Lee grinned and spread them out.

Kara looked, and blinked incredulously. Looked again. "Lee…that's one of the worst hands I've ever seen!"

"Really?" Lee laughed. "Looks pretty good to me." He pulled his winnings towards him.

Kara choked. She could have beaten him easily. She was impressed despite herself. She hadn't thought he had it in him to pull off a bluff that big.

The other pilots were laughing and congratulating Lee.

"Well done, sir."

"Glad to see Starbuck's not invincible after all."

"You'll have to join us again next time she gets too cocky…"

Lee laughed and thanked them, but his eyes stayed focused on Kara. She smiled ruefully and tipped her bottle of beer in salute.

"Well played, Apollo, I have to admit it. Well played."

The game broke up after that. The pilots drifted away one by one, until Lee and Kara were left alone in the rec room.

"Enjoy yourself?" she asked, moving to take the chair next to him.

Lee chuckled. "Do you have to ask?" He grinned at her wickedly. "It's going to be a long time before I let you live this one down, you know. I still can't believe you fell for my bluff."

Kara scowled. "You caught me off guard."

"Too used to easy targets, that's your problem."

"It won't happen again," she warned. "Next time, I'm going to clean you out."

"You can try, Kara." Lee's eyes met hers mockingly. "You can try."

"I'll do more than try. This was a lucky fluke, Lee. Nothing more."

"You keep on thinking that." Lee smiled, and a graver light entered his eyes. "Seriously, though, Kara, thanks for inviting me to join the game. I enjoyed it."

"You should come again," she said quietly. "Just because you're the commander doesn't mean you have to be formal all the time."

"Maybe I will. Not too soon, though. My pilots need downtime without me looming over their shoulders, and I have to keep _some_ distance. Goes with the job." He shrugged philosophically and looked at his watch. "I should get going. Dee will have come off shift now, and she'll be wondering where I am."

"Of course." Kara felt that leap of jealousy again. "You go then."

Lee nodded. "Thanks again, Kara. Any time you're getting too cocky about your triad skills, just give me a call." He put his hand on her shoulder and smiled.

He smiled, and something about it caught at Kara's heart, piercing her defences. She stared at his face so close to hers, at the familiar teasing light in the blue eyes smiling warmly into her own. A surge of affection, of possessiveness swept over her. A fierce urge to pull him towards her and refuse to let him go.

_You belong with me, Lee. Not her._

Something snapped within her. She leaned forward almost involuntarily, all caution forgotten, and kissed him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Lee was so stunned that it took a moment for his brain to register what was happening. A moment in which he let his lips soften against hers, was almost swept away.

Then alarm bells started ringing as memory returned.

Memories of the last time Kara had kissed him, and how she'd torn him apart afterwards.

_No. No, no, no. I am not going to let her do this to me again._

He tore his mouth away from hers and stood up.

"What the hell was that for?"

Kara blinked at him. She looked almost as bewildered as he felt, but Lee barely noticed. Anger was swamping him, making it difficult to see anything else.

"Lee, I just-"

"No." He took a step back from her, needing the distance. "I am not going to let you do this to me again."

"Do what again?"

Lee's temper exploded. How dare she pretend she didn't understand what he meant? It was the third frakking time she'd done this.

"I don't know, Kara, you tell me! What is it you want this time? A comfort frak? A consolation prize because you can't have Anders?"

Kara flinched. "Lee, you can't think that! I didn't mean-"

"Yes, you did. You thought you could pull my strings again, just like the last time. But I'm not going to let you."

"Lee, I'm sorry. It was a mistake-"

"Damn right it was a mistake." Lee barely heard her. He was afraid to listen to her, even to look at her, in case his resolve wasn't as strong as he thought. The fear made him even angrier. "You know, Kara, I really thought you'd changed. I really thought we could finally be friends instead of playing mind games with each other." He smiled bitterly. "Looks like I was wrong."

"I'm not playing games with you!"

"Yes, you are," Lee snapped. "You're feeling lonely, want someone to fill the gap, and who better than me? After all, I've always been pathetic enough to wait around for you before." His voice was thick with self-disgust.

"Lee, that's not how it is at all-"

"No, it's not," he said fiercely. "Because I'm past that now. I told you last time I wasn't going to wait for you any longer, and I haven't. I'm getting married soon, or had you forgotten?"

"Of course I hadn't." Temper was flaring in Kara's eyes now.

"So you remembered, and decided to go ahead anyway?" Lee made his voice as scathing as he could. "Congratulations, Kara, you've sunk to a new low."

Kara's mouth hardened. "Frak you, Lee. That's not fair and you know it."

"Frak _you_. I've been more than fair. After what you did last time…but I got past that, offered you my friendship again, despite all that. And this is what I get in return."

"For frak's sake, Lee, it was just a kiss!"

"It wasn't just a kiss! It was you trying to use me again, the way you always have."

Kara stared at him, her eyes full of hurt. "Is that really what you think, Lee? That I just use you?"

"Yes," he said rigidly. "You use me when nothing better offers, and as soon as it does, you take off again."

Silence. He risked a glance at her, and blinked in surprise. He'd never seen Kara so pale. She looked almost as if she was about to cry.

"Lee, that's not true."

He smiled bitterly. "Isn't it? You've never done anything to prove otherwise."

Her mouth was trembling now. "Lee-"

"Don't, Kara. Just don't. I don't want to hear any more."

"Lee, just give me a chance to explain-"

"No!" He had to stick to his resolve, stay away from her. He couldn't let her persuade him otherwise. "I've given you enough chances, Kara. Just-"

"Just what? What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to stay away from me." He grabbed fiercely for his self-control. "Dad's been asking for you to do a few days training for the pilots on Galactica. I think you should go there now."

"You think that's going to help?"

"I don't know." He felt suddenly weary. "I don't care. I just – I just don't want to be near you right now. Go to Galactica, Kara."

He turned and left before she could say any more – before he lost his temper altogether and did something he'd regret.

Damn her, he thought, as he stalked off towards his quarters. Why did she have to ruin everything like that?

Just at the moment he hated her. For kissing him. For trying to use him. For making him remember how she felt, how she tasted.

Most of all, he hated her for making him hope. Because for one moment, when she kissed him, he'd felt something kindle inside him, felt his heart soar.

He hated her for causing that almost as much as he hated himself for feeling it.

----

Kara spent the raptor journey to Galactica locked in her own thoughts. Her pilot made a few attempts at conversation that trailed off as he saw Kara's set face, much to her relief. She didn't feel like talking to anyone just now.

She still couldn't believe she had been so abysmally stupid. All that careful, painstaking work they had both done to rebuild their friendship and now she had thrown it all away with one foolish impulse.

What had she been thinking? She should have known Lee would react like that, after what had happened between them last time. And if he hadn't – if he _had_ responded – what would she have done then? Her hands started to shake at the thought. She hadn't worked so hard to be free of him just to slide back into the same trap.

Which was exactly what Lee was thinking too, no doubt. She leant forward at the memory of what he had said to her, feeling an almost physical pain in her chest. His words had cut her deeply, though she couldn't deny they were true, at least in part. She _had_ used him in the past. The fact that it had been because she loved him rather than because she didn't, that she had hurt him for his own good, didn't matter. Lee didn't understand that, wouldn't even if she explained it to him.

She closed her eyes despairingly. What a frakking mess she had made of things, as usual. She couldn't see how they were going to go on from here. What she had done had torn away the comforting lie they had both clung to these last few weeks, that they could be friends and nothing more.

They couldn't be. All those other, forbidden feelings were too close to the surface, just waiting to pounce.

So, no more half-measures. But that meant they would be back to nothing, back to avoidance and silence, and even the thought of it made her feel as if her chest was being crushed with a sledgehammer. She hadn't realised until now how much she'd grown to depend on his company again these last few weeks. It had been like a draught of cool water after months in the desert; now she was dry-mouthed and thirsty again.

----

The end result of all this thinking was that she was in a foul mood by the time she reached Galactica. She didn't hold back on her sarcasm in the training sessions, and by the end of the day she'd reduced two pilots to red-faced embarrassment, two to tongue-tied fury, and one to tears.

It didn't help even slightly, so she sought further relief in the rec room and a bottle of ambrosia.

She'd nearly emptied it by the time Kat stalked in, eyes blazing.

"What the frak is wrong with you, Starbuck?"

Kara looked up at her contemptuously. "What crawled up your butt, Katraine?"

Kat's cheeks flushed angrily, and Kara's heart lifted at the prospect of a good fight. Maybe even a punch-up, if she was lucky. That might make her feel better.

"Frak you, Starbuck. You're here to teach those kids, not to abuse them!"

Kara leaned back in her chair, smiling lazily. "All I gave them was some plain speaking. You molly-coddle them too much, that's the trouble." She kept her eyes narrowed on Kat's face.

"Bullshit. I give them hell when they deserve it. I just don't take out my personal problems on them."

Kara rose to her feet slowly. "Is that right?"

"It is." Kat took a step forward, jaw thrust out. "Because I'm more professional than that."

"As professional as you were when you were flying out of your head on stims?"

Kat's dark eyes flared. "Or as you were when you turned up to briefings hungover?" Her eyes raked contemptuously over the empty bottle. "See you haven't given up that little habit."

Kara moved forward. "None of your business, Kat. You aren't my superior officer."

"But these are my pilots and my ship, and I'm not going to let you frak with them. Just because your best buddy Apollo lets you get away with murder on Pegasus-"

Kara's fist lashed out instinctively and she made no attempt to stop it. Kat staggered back, one hand to her lip, other fist clenching. Kara smiled, tensing in anticipation of the return blow.

It never came. Instead a tall figure pushed in between them.

"No, Kat. This ends right now." Helo put a restraining hand on Kat's shoulder.

Kat tried to push it away. "Frak that, Helo. If you think I'm going to stand here and take that kind of crap from her-"

"No, I think you're going to leave now, before the Admiral gets wind of this and you both end up in the brig," said Helo firmly. "Don't let her get to you, Kat."

"Yes, Katraine, don't let the nasty girl upset you," Kara mocked.

Helo shot her an irritated glance over his shoulder. "Shut up, Kara."

"Frak you, Karl. How about you stop spoiling my fun?"

Kat bristled again at that, but Helo held her shoulders firmly. "Kat, no. Just leave it, go and cool down. I'll deal with Starbuck."

Kat wavered for a moment, but Kara saw with disappointment that Helo's words were having an effect. The fury had died out of her eyes and her fists were relaxing.

"Fine," she snapped finally. "But I don't want her upsetting any more of my pilots."

"Aw, are their tender feelings easily hurt?"

"Shut up, Kara," said Helo again, and steered Kat firmly towards the hatch. Kara suddenly realised that everyone else had already slipped out.

She picked up her abandoned glass and knocked back the last of her ambrosia, watching Helo angrily as he closed and locked the hatch behind Kat.

"Sure you want to do that, Karl? I need to punch someone, and you'll do just as well as Kat."

Helo turned, his face calm. He wasn't rising to her bait, she saw with annoyance.

"Fine, Kara, go ahead. Take a swing at me, if it'll make you feel better."

She glared at him. "It would serve you right if I took you up on that."

Helo shrugged. "Better me than some unsuspecting bystander." He took a step towards her, face concerned. "What are you doing, Kara? Do you want to end up in the brig? Because if Kat complains to the Old Man, that's exactly what will happen."

_At least then I wouldn't have to go back to Pegasus._

Kara must have been drunker than she thought, because she said it aloud. The next moment she cursed herself, but it was too late; Helo's eyes widened in understanding.

"So that's it. I should have guessed. You've had another fight with Apollo, haven't you?"

Kara flung herself back down on her chair and folded her arms. "No, I haven't."

"Yeah, you have. Nothing else gets you wound up like this."

Kara's eyes narrowed dangerously. "So now you're an expert on me, Karl?"

"Well, I have got years of experience to go on," said Helo easily, taking the chair opposite her. "Come on, Kara. What's going on?"

"None of your business."

"It is if you're taking it out on my crew."

"Wow, that promotion really went to your head, didn't it, Karl?"

"Stop trying to provoke me, Kara," said Helo, smiling broadly. "You know that never works. And you know I'm going to keep nagging at you until you tell me what's wrong, so spill."

Kara gritted her teeth, but she knew he was right on both counts. "You don't need me to tell you what's wrong," she spat, glaring at him. "You seem to know it all already."

"So it is Apollo." Helo leaned back in his chair, stretching out his legs. "Well, I can't pretend I wasn't expecting this, though it's taken longer than I thought. The way he was acting when he found out you were back in the fleet, I didn't think the two of you would last six days on the same ship, let alone six weeks."

Kara stared at the table. "You know Lee and his grudges."

"Really? Seemed to me he'd got over his latest grudge, from what I heard on the grapevine. Sounded like the two of you were living in each other's pockets again."

Kara grunted in reply.

"So what happened? You give him a new and better grudge to replace the old one?"

"Frak off, Karl."

As usual, he ignored her. "What did you do? Insult him in the middle of CIC? Write off one of his Vipers? Get drunk and punch Dee?"

Kara tried to smile and let him cheer her up with his teasing as she usually did. But for once she couldn't do it. The smile wouldn't form. Instead, to her horror, she felt tears pressing at her eyes.

Helo must have seen it too, because his bantering smile faded and he leaned forward, looking concerned.

"Come on, Kara. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

"Yes, it is."

"What is it, then? Tell me."

Kara hesitated. She knew she should keep quiet, but she was so tired, so confused…the thought of confiding in Helo was tempting, and she'd drunk too much ambrosia to be able to resist the impulse. The words came tumbling out.

"I kissed him."

----

Silence. Helo watched her for a moment, his eyes studying her intently. Then he spoke, slow and careful.

"Is that such a bad thing?"

Kara stared at him incredulously. "Of course it is!"

"Why?"

"Because-" Kara broke off, struggling for words. She knew why it was bad, but how could she explain it? "Dee," she said, seizing with relief on the excuse. "He's marrying Dee soon, you know that."

"I know," said Helo calmly. "Which is why it might be a good thing that you got this out in the open now, before it's too late."

Kara frowned. "Got what out in the open?"

Helo took a deep breath. His jaw tilted, as if bracing himself for a blow. "The fact that you're in love with Lee."

The words were like a punch to the gut. Kara stared at him for a moment, mouth wide open.

"What are you…that's not true."

"Come on, Kara." Helo's eyes were full of sympathy. "This is me you're talking to. I know you. And I know you love him."

"No, I don't," she said desperately.

"Yes, you do," said Helo with a calm certainty that made her want to hit him. "I've known it for a while now. I've never seen you look at anyone the way you do him…not even Sam."

His eyes were kind, even pitying, and Kara couldn't bear the touch of them any longer. She jumped up and turned her back on him, walking to lean against the far wall. "Don't do this, Karl. Leave it alone."

"I can't," he said simply. "I can't see you this unhappy and not try to help."

Kara leant her forehead against the cool metal of the bulkhead. "This isn't helping."

"Isn't it? Isn't this the root of all your troubles? That you can't admit you love him?"

"No! For the gods' sake, Karl, my life does not revolve around Lee Adama!"

"Doesn't it?"

Kara slammed her fist into the wall. "No! Frak it, Karl, my husband just left me. Don't you think _that _might be the root of all my troubles?"

"It might," said Helo calmly. "But can you tell me the break-up of your marriage had absolutely nothing to do with Lee?"

The denial sprang to Kara's lips, but stuck there. She remembered some of the things Sam had said. _You never let me in…you don't love me enough. _She'd come to realise in the last few weeks that it had been true. She'd never let Sam in, not all the way into her heart. Because Lee was already there.

She closed her eyes. "Damn you, Karl."

"Kara, I don't understand. If you love Lee, why don't you tell him?"

His soothing tone was like a match set to gunpowder. Kara whirled to face him, eyes blazing.

"Because he'd tear me apart! You saw what a mess I was when Sam left – Lee would be a hundred times worse. He gets inside me, he always has. I won't let him destroy me like that."

"Kara." Helo's voice was very gentle. "Why do you assume he's going to leave you?"

The question took the wind out of Kara's sails. She stared at him, lost for words for a moment.

"He loves you too," Helo went on. Every quiet word stabbed into her. "I can see he does. Why would he leave you?"

_Because I'll frak things up. I always do. Just like I did with Zak, with Sam…_

But she couldn't say that. She took refuge in a nervous laugh. "Come on, Karl. You know how Lee is. The first time I disappoint him, he'll turn away from me, just as he always does."

"But he always turns back again," said Helo quietly. "I've noticed that."

Kara searched for a rebuttal, but couldn't find one. Because he was right. Lee always did turn back. After Zak, after Baltar, after she shot him…even this last time, when she'd thought she'd broken their relationship beyond repair, he'd eventually turned back. She never understood why, knew she didn't deserve it, but he did.

Helo was nodding as if he knew what she was thinking. "So why can't you trust that, Kara? Trust him?"

Kara closed her eyes. "I can't," she whispered.

"Why not?"

"Because it's not safe." She felt as if the words were dragged out of her. "It's not safe to love someone that much."

Helo made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. "Kara, love is never safe. Love is risk – you can't have one without the other." Kara shifted, and he fixed her with a hard stare. "And don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. At least Lee isn't a cylon."

The pain in his voice silenced Kara. She felt abruptly weary, as if she had fought a punishing bout in the boxing ring, and sat down again in the chair she'd abandoned.

"I know, Karl. But it's still hard. I don't know if I can take a risk like that."

"But you can't keep on like this either," said Helo firmly. "All this circling around each other, pulling close then pushing away…it's tearing you apart, Kara, I can see that." He paused. "Him too. I could see the change in him after you went to New Caprica. It's not fair on him either."

"What else can I do?"

"You need to make a choice. Either be with Lee properly or leave him for good."

Kara found herself laughing, with a hysterical edge to it that made Helo look at her anxiously. "I already tried that! I thought I was leaving him for good when I married Sam, that I'd ended everything between us. And look where I finished up. Back in the same old rut again."

"Maybe that should tell you something," said Helo quietly.

Maybe. Kara stared at her clasped hands for a moment.

"I'm not sure I can do it, Karl."

"Then you can't," said Helo quietly. "But if you can, you need to do something now, before he marries Dee, and you lose your opportunity. Because once they're married, he won't walk away from her lightly."

Kara knew he was right. She bit her lip, drawing blood. "But even if I can do it…Karl, it's too late. He won't believe me, not after…he already thinks I just use him when I've got nothing better on offer. He won't let go of that easily, you know how stubborn he is."

"Then you need to do something spectacular to convince him. Take a risk. Make it clear to him how you feel, so that he can't deny it."

"Like what?" Assuming she did anything at all. Just the thought of it scared her to death.

Helo smiled fully for the first time since they'd started this. "Kara, you specialise in spectacular. I'm sure you'll think of something."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

Her talk with Helo calmed Kara down a little. She wound down a few notches in the training sessions, and the Galactica nuggets breathed a collective sigh of relief.

In the evenings she found herself drifting to the observation deck, sitting staring out at the stars. Helo had given her a lot to think about.

What should she do about Lee? Should she tell him how she felt?

The thought of it petrified her, but then the strength of her feelings for him always had. The defences she used to keep everyone else out always seemed to weaken around him; he'd slipped inside almost from the first moment she'd met him, and she'd never been able to get him out again. Even worse, she didn't want to; and she hated how vulnerable that made her.

So she'd fought against her attraction to him with every weapon she could muster. She'd denied it – _we're just friends, nothing more. _She'd hidden behind excuses – _he's Zak's brother, he's my superior officer._ She'd tried to replace him with other men. She'd retreated every time he tried to get close to her. She'd driven him away with sarcasm and anger. She'd even tried to start a new life without him.

None of it had worked. She could admit that now. She was never going to be rid of him, however hard she tried. She was a good enough soldier to know when she was beaten.

Maybe Helo was right. Maybe it was time she stopped fighting it and started accepting it.

Though that might be just as hard a battle. She and Lee had always clashed; they were too different not to. And she didn't exactly have a great track record. She'd frakked up every relationship she'd ever had, one way or another, why should this be any different?

_But he always turns back,_ Helo had pointed out. _Can't you trust that?_

She spent a long time thinking about those words. Could she trust it?

She wasn't sure she could. Yes, Lee had always turned back to her before, but could he keep on doing it? Wouldn't he eventually decide that it was too much trouble, that she wasn't worth it?

Because she _wasn't_ worth it. She hadn't needed her mother to tell her that.

Perhaps it was better to leave things as they were. Not to risk it.

But then…then he'd marry Dee. Nothing would be the same. He'd belong to Dee and she'd watch them together and know that could have been her if she'd had the courage to take this chance.

Could she live with that?

Finally, on the night before she was due to return to Pegasus, she decided she was making this too complicated. She was over-thinking, as she used to accuse Lee of doing. She should stop weighing the risks and act on her instincts.

And her instincts had always told her that she belonged with Lee. It was her head that had told her otherwise.

"I'm going to do it," she said aloud, her hands trembling. "I'm really going to do it. I'm going to tell him how I feel."

Frak it. So what if it all went wrong, if it all ended in pieces? Things between them could hardly get any worse than they were now. And at least she'd have tried. At least she'd have stopped being such a coward when it came to him and fought for what she wanted for once.

She was still petrified, but she also felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

----

The next morning she was buzzing with her new resolve. She said goodbye to Helo with an exuberant hug, and chatted away non-stop to the raptor pilot, who seemed rather unnerved by her friendliness.

Her good mood lasted all the way back to Pegasus and into the CIC, where her new-made plans hit an unexpected hurdle.

Lee.

He was still in full-on grudge mode and wasn't about to be shifted out of it. That was made all too clear as he greeted her cheerful salute with a cold stare.

"Training completed, Captain?" He snapped the words out at her.

"Yes, sir."

"Then I suggest you make a start on the work that's been piling up in your absence." He made it sound as if she had gone to Galactica as a way of slacking off.

Kara bit back a sharp retort. She didn't want to get into another fight with him.

"Yes sir," she said meekly, and Lee looked immediately suspicious. "But first I wonder if I might have a word with you."

Lee looked down at a clipboard on the console. "Go ahead."

"I meant in private."

"Not at the moment, Captain." Lee looked back up, his face locked and barred against her. "I'm busy."

Kara didn't call him a liar outright. Instead she let her eyes travel expressively around the quiet, almost deserted CIC.

Lee glared at her, not giving an inch. "You're dismissed, Captain."

"But-"

"I said you're dismissed."

Kara decided not to push it. Calling Lee an uptight asshole in front of his command staff wasn't exactly going to put him in a receptive mood for what she had to say. Plus he was looking at her as if he just wanted an excuse to have her hauled off to the brig.

So she saluted and left, swearing inwardly.

Frakking stubborn man. Why did he always have to make everything so difficult for her?

Well, she'd get him alone eventually. He probably just needed a few days to calm down.

----

A week later, Lee showed no sign of calming down. His eyes were still icing over every time he saw her, and every sentence he spoke to her was rapped out like a volley of bullets.

That in itself wasn't enough to discourage Kara. She'd seen Lee in these moods before, and she could usually goad him out of them one way or another, although they might both end up bruised as a result. Just give her some time alone with him, and she'd sort him out.

The problem was that she couldn't get any time alone with him. Lee was avoiding her, and doing a scarily successful job of it. He was barely leaving CIC while on shift, and spent most of his off-shift hours locked in his quarters with Dee. The few times Kara did see him in the corridors Hoshi always seemed to be with him, and when they had meetings he made sure he left first, and in company. Every request she made to talk to him privately was refused – he was too busy, too tired, had an important call to make.

After a week of this Kara just wanted to scream with frustration. How the hell was she supposed to tell Lee she loved him when he wouldn't even talk to her?

She wished Helo was here to see all this. Maybe then he'd realise what a frakking idiotic idea this whole thing was.

----

She needed a plan, but so far she couldn't come up with anything beyond knocking some sense into Lee's stubborn head against the nearest bulkhead. Again, not the best way to lead up to what she had to tell him.

She brooded over it out on CAP. There must be some way to force him to talk to her. Maybe if he wouldn't see her in private, she'd just have to talk to him in public…corner him in the corridors perhaps…but then how would she talk to him without other people interrupting…it was going to be hard enough to get the words out anyway with him glaring at her…

…and suddenly she had an idea.

The more she thought about the idea, the more she liked it. Lee would have no choice but to listen. Sure, it would be rather public, but that was Lee's own fault for avoiding her. And Helo had told her to do something spectacular…

Kara took a deep breath and looked around at the stars, at the comforting darkness of space surrounding her. At the familiar lines of her viper.

This was home. The place where she was always safe, always in control.

She clung to that reassuring thought as she cleared her throat and spoke over the open comm channel to CIC.

"Starbuck to Pegasus Actual."

A moment and then Lee's cold voice spoke in her ears. "Pegasus Actual here. Go ahead, Starbuck."

Her palms were sweating, and she felt a wave of nausea. She kept her eyes focused on the empty space in front of her, trying to force the betraying weakness down.

"Starbuck, go ahead."

Now or never.

"Lee."

"Starbuck?" He sounded irritated now.

She didn't reply. Her lips seemed frozen. She couldn't do this, she couldn't-

"Starbuck, please respond." His tone shifted slightly. "Is there a problem? Please respond." A pause. "Kara? Are you okay?"

And as he said her name, something broke free within her, something warm and glowing. Suddenly she wasn't afraid any more. Her lips thawed, and she found herself smiling.

Of course she could do this. Even with half the ship listening in.

"Lee."

"Kara." She could feel his relief turning to anger. "What the hell is going on?"

A broad grin spread across her face. Suddenly this felt so right.

"Lee, I love you."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Ten**

Lee stared at the dradis screen in blank disbelief, receiver gripped in his hand.

He must be hallucinating. He could have sworn Kara had just said-

Ridiculous. Of course she hadn't.

Maybe he was dreaming. One of those dreams where embarrassing things happened in public places. He involuntarily looked down at himself to make sure he wasn't naked.

No, his uniform was present and correct. He looked round CIC, slightly dazed, and noticed that everyone else was acting rather oddly. One or two staff were gaping at him with their mouths wide open, and everyone else was staring intently at their consoles.

_Had it really happened?_

Of course not. He'd misheard.

Lee cleared his throat. "Starbuck, could you repeat that?"

He waited, expecting to hear something about an equipment malfunction or a joke about CAP being boring. Instead he heard something that sounded suspiciously like a chuckle, and then:

"I said I love you, Lee."

Lee's brain whirled, and he found himself gripping the console table tightly.

That time definitely hadn't been a hallucination. Everyone in CIC was staring at him now, waiting for his reaction.

_What was going on? Why had she said that? Why now? Did she mean it? What-_

He took a firm grip on his self-control.

"Starbuck, return to Pegasus. Immediately." He was amazed at how normal his voice sounded. "I'll meet you on the hangar deck."

----

He paced impatiently around the hangar deck as he waited for her to land, trying to ignore the inquisitive stares of the deck crew. Obviously they'd been listening to the comms too.

He still couldn't work out what was going on, what new game she was playing now.

Because it must be a game. She couldn't mean what she'd said. Just months ago, she'd told him exactly the opposite, that he meant nothing to her, and married someone else to prove it. So why was she saying now…what she had said. He didn't dare replay the words in his mind. Just the thought of them made his head spin.

After what seemed like eons, she finally landed. He hurtled across the hangar bay and reached her ladder almost before her feet touched the floor.

He grabbed her arm. "You're coming with me. Now."

"All right," she said quietly, taking him by surprise. The sight of her face knocked him off balance; he'd expected her to be full of bravado, amused at his embarrassment, but instead she looked wary and nervous.

He pushed away the treacherous strand of sympathy, clinging to his anger. He wasn't going to let her get to him. He tightened his grip on her arm and marched her out of the hangar bay, ignoring the fascinated deck crew.

Out in the corridor, he jerked open the first hatch, which proved to be an equipment closet. Well, that would do well enough.

"In here." He pulled her inside and slammed the hatch shut behind them.

For a moment they stared at each other in silence. She was definitely looking nervous now, biting her lip. It made him want to comfort her and kiss her all at once, and the impulse made him even more furious.

So he yelled at her instead. "What the hell did that mean?"

Kara shifted uncomfortably. "I thought it was clear enough."

"Did you?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Yes. It's not that difficult, Lee. Words of one syllable."

"Well, maybe I'm just slow," he said sarcastically. "Why don't you explain it to me."

Kara's mouth set mutinously. "I don't think it needs explaining."

"Like hell it doesn't," Lee snapped, moving towards her. "Not so long ago you told me right out that you _didn't_ love me. Do you think I've forgotten that?" He couldn't stop his voice shaking slightly.

"I know. I haven't forgotten either." Kara's voice was shaking now too. "But things have changed-"

"Yes, they've changed." Lee smiled bitterly. "You've lost Anders so now I'll do instead."

"Lee, it's not like that at all!" She stepped towards him, and the emotion burning in her face left him speechless. "I lied when I said that before. I've always loved you."

For a moment Lee thought he must be hallucinating again. Those words – and the look on her face when she said them – he couldn't believe they were real.

"How can that be true?" he forced out, trying to keep his voice level. He had to think, keep his head clear, stay wary. She'd burnt him too many times before.

He expected her to deny it, back away as she always did, but she didn't. She was very pale, and he could see her hands shaking, but she kept her eyes steadily on his.

"It is true. It's always been true. What's changed is that I'm not afraid to admit it."

Hope flared inside him, but Lee forced it back down, still afraid to believe.

"Then why – why did you marry him?"

Kara closed her eyes briefly. "I – it's not easy to explain-"

"Try."

She opened her mouth, but whatever she was about to say was interrupted by Hoshi's voice over the comm system.

"Commander Adama to CIC immediately. Commander Adama to CIC-"

Lee seized on the escape with relief. He couldn't deal with this now. It was too sudden, too overwhelming…he needed some time to regroup, recover his balance.

"I have to go."

"Ignore it," said Kara tightly. "They can wait-"

Hoshi's voice interrupted her again. "Commander Adama to CIC immediately-"

"I have to go," he said again, and turned for the hatch.

"Lee!" He'd never heard Kara sound so desperate. "Stop running away!"

He paused, leaning his head wearily against the metal hatch. "What do you want from me, Kara?"

"I want you." She sounded as if she was choking. "I want another chance."

"I'm not sure I can give you one," he said raggedly. "Not after the last time…it almost broke me. I can't go through all that again, Kara, I just can't."

"You won't have to."

"You can't promise that." He opened the hatch.

"Lee." She followed him into the corridor, turning to face him as she closed the hatch. "Listen to me."

"Don't push me, Kara."

"I'm not going to push you." Her eyes were bright with tears, but her voice was calm again. "I just want to make you an offer."

"What?" he said warily. Hoshi called him again over the comms, but he didn't move.

"I've got a two day leave pass owing," Kara said, eyes fixed on his. "I'm going to take it now, go to the Rising Star. I'll leave my cabin number with Showboat." She took a deep breath. "All I want is a chance, Lee. A chance for us. If you want that chance too, come and find me."

With that she turned and walked away, leaving him staring after her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

Lee got back to CIC to find that the reason Hoshi had summoned him was a call from his father. It turned out to be a discussion about supply runs.

He barely listened to his father's voice, murmuring replies by rote. His thoughts were too scattered for him to be able to focus on what his father was saying. All he could hear was Kara's words to him in the equipment closet, repeating over and over…

"Lee! Are you listening to me?"

His father's growl made him jump.

"Yes, sir," he said automatically, dragging his mind back to the present. "The next supply run is from the Rising Star…"

"No, the Geminon Traveller," his father said impatiently. "What's wrong with you today, Lee?"

"Nothing's wrong." He forced himself to pay attention for the rest of the conversation. As he finally replaced the receiver, he found Hoshi standing by his side, obviously waiting to tell him something.

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

"I think Lieutenant Dualla wanted to see you as soon as possible, sir."

Frak. Lee sighed heavily. "So she was listening to the comms then?"

"Everyone knows about the comms, sir," said Hoshi, looking sympathetic. "Even those who weren't listening in. You know how fast word travels around here."

He did. All too well. Lee closed his eyes briefly. He really didn't want to deal with Dee just at the moment. He needed time to think about what Kara had said, get it all straight in his head.

"Where's Dee now?" he asked Hoshi.

"I think she went to your quarters." Hoshi watched Lee for a moment and then said tentatively, "Would you like me to run interference?"

Lee turned in surprise. "Would you do that?"

"If you want."

"That's very kind of you." Lee was touched. "I'd be grateful. It won't be for long…I just need an hour or so to myself."

Hoshi smiled. "No problem. Just consider it an offer of fellow feeling. I'm sure we've all had a woman turn our lives upside down at one time or another."

Lee smiled ruefully. He certainly had. More than once. And it was always the same woman.

----

He went to Pegasus' tiny temple, reasoning that it was the last place anyone would think to look for him. And it was a good place to think, quiet and serene. He could see why Kara often found comfort in visiting here.

Kara. He sat down and rested his head against the back of the chair in front of him, taking a long breath.

What was he going to do about Kara?

Did he want that chance she was offering?

He knew what his heart told him, but he wasn't sure he trusted his heart when it came to Kara. It had led him into trouble with her too many times before. He hoped too much, expected too much, and it always ended up shattering to pieces around him.

He didn't think he could go through that again.

Then there was Dee. He didn't want to hurt her, not after all she'd done for him. She didn't deserve that.

He should stay with her. She was good for him. She calmed him, supported him, comforted him. She didn't play around with his emotions, or make him so angry he could barely speak. She didn't mock him mercilessly, or slap him down every time he got too close to her…

…but she didn't make him laugh with a lift of her eyebrow, or smile at him with a challenge that made his heart soar. She didn't meet him scowl for scowl and blow for blow, or walk through his defences as if they weren't even there. She didn't show with one quiet word that she understood him, better than anyone else ever had.

She didn't know him, not really. He got the feeling, sometimes, that when she looked at him, she only saw Apollo. Not Lee. That maybe she didn't _want_ to see Lee.

Still, the logical part of him knew he should stay with Dee. Stay with calm, certainty, reassurance. Not risk everything on some foolish surge of emotion. He'd just end up hurt as badly as he'd been before.

No matter what Kara had said, it probably wouldn't last. She'd change her mind, back away from him, she always did. He'd get to the Rising Star to find she wasn't even there, that she wanted to give Anders another chance, that she'd changed her mind.

He shouldn't go to her. Every argument stacked against it.

But…but…

She'd said she loved him. Publicly. In front of the whole crew. Twice.

And then, when they were alone, she hadn't gone back on it. She'd said it again. Said she wanted him.

She'd never done anything like that before. Denial, mockery, retreat…that was Kara's usual mode of operation. He'd never known her to take such a risk, expose her emotions so openly.

What had she said?

_I've always loved you. What's changed is that I'm not afraid to admit it._

Maybe it was true. Maybe she had changed. Maybe this time he wasn't being an utter fool to listen to his heart.

On the other hand, maybe he was.

But he'd rather be a fool than a coward any day. And if he stayed here, if he passed up this chance, that's exactly what he would be.

Kara had had the courage to take a risk. He couldn't do any less in return.

He stood up, smiling as he remembered her voice crackling over the comms.

_I love you, Lee._

When it came down to it, that was all he really needed to know.

----

He found Dee still in his quarters, sitting on the sofa. She looked up as he entered, a strained expression on her face.

"Where have you been, Lee?"

"Thinking." He walked across the room to sit on the coffee table facing her. He reached out and gently took her hand. "We need to talk, Ana."

"No." Dee stared at him, eyes widening. "Lee, no. Don't you dare do this to me."

Lee bit his lip. He hated this, but it had to be done. "I'm sorry, Ana. I'm so sorry, but I can't marry you."

"Oh my gods." She pulled her hand abruptly away from his, mouth trembling. "I can't believe you're doing this."

"I'm sorry," said Lee helplessly. He felt like a complete bastard, looking at the hurt on her face. "But I can't go on with the wedding, Ana. It's not fair to either of us."

"This is because of _her_, isn't it?"

Lee nodded. No point in pretending he didn't know who she meant. Dee was no fool.

"I knew it," said Dee bitterly. "I knew this was going to happen from the moment I heard her over the comms." She looked at him with a hint of contempt. "I just don't understand you, Lee. After all the crap she's pulled on you in the past – and yet all she has to do is say she loves you and you go running back to her. Don't you have any more pride than that?"

Lee knew she meant the words to sting, but they didn't. She wasn't saying anything he hadn't already asked himself. So he just shrugged and gave her the same answer he'd reached in his head.

"I suppose there are just some things that are more important than pride."

"Like love?"

Lee flinched inwardly at her tone. "Yes, like love."

"I thought you loved me." Dee's eyes dropped away from his, and her voice shook slightly.

"I did," said Lee, his heart aching for her. He wished there was something he could do to comfort her. "Ana, I did. It's just…Kara was there first."

"Then why did you ask me to marry you? Was I just a substitute?"

"No!" said Lee quickly, although he wasn't sure he was telling the truth. He wasn't going to let her go on thinking that though. "I wanted to start a new life with you, I really did. But…but I thought then I was free of Kara, and now I realise I'm not. I'm never going to be, and if I'm honest I don't really want to be. And it's not fair to marry you when I'm that wrapped up in someone else."

Dee blinked several times through his speech, as if absorbing a blow. When he finished she sat silent for a few moments.

Finally she spoke, forcing the words through stiff lips. "Well, I suppose at least you didn't wait to do this until after we were married."

Lee couldn't bear the look on her face. "Ana, I'm so sorry-"

"Stop saying that." Anger spread across Dee's face. "You're not sorry. If you really were sorry you wouldn't be doing this."

Lee was silenced. He didn't know what else to say. It was so hard to see her hurting like this and know that he was responsible for it.

Dee took a long breath and rose slowly to her feet. "I'm going. I need to be alone for a while. Then I'll come back here to pack."

"To pack?"

"Yes." She glared at him. "The least you can do is arrange a transfer back to Galactica for me."

"Of course," he said awkwardly. He wanted to apologise again, but he caught the words back. He watched her as she walked away from him, wishing desperately he had somehow handled all this better. Why did he always manage to frak up his relationships so badly?

As she opened the hatch Dee stopped and looked back.

"She'll ruin your life, you know."

Lee shrugged. "Maybe. But then I'll just ruin hers right back."

He quite liked the sound of it.

----

After Dee had gone, he took a long, shuddering breath, rubbing a hand wearily over his face. That had been just as unpleasant as he had expected. And now he had another difficult conversation to face.

_You'd better not change your mind after all this, Kara._

He stood up and walked over to his desk to pick up the phone.

"Private call to Galactica Actual, please."

He heard a series of clicks, and then his father's voice came over the line.

"Galactica Actual here."

Lee didn't waste time. Better to bite the bullet and get it over with.

"Dad, I need a favour. Actually, I need two favours. Big ones."

He held his breath during the pause that followed. He'd never been able to predict how his father was going to react to things, especially when it concerned him.

"I knew there was something wrong earlier," said his father finally. He sounded rueful rather than angry, and Lee let out his breath. "What exactly are these favours?"

"I need an immediate transfer for Dee back to Galactica." Lee braced himself for the explosion. "And I need a leave pass to go to the Rising Star, again effective immediately."

There was another long pause, but the explosion didn't come.

"You weren't kidding when you said they were big," said his dad finally. His tone was mild, but Lee could hear the tension underneath. He gripped the phone tightly.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"All right, I'll grant them." Lee felt dizzy with relief. "But I want a full explanation, and I want it now."

Lee sighed. "Now? It's a long story."

"I've got time. Now." There was no arguing with his father in that tone.

"All right." He supposed it was the least he owed him for being so reasonable about all this. "Well, you remember you asked me why Kara and I fell out last time she visited Pegasus…"


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter Twelve**

Kara had never been good at waiting.

It wasn't her style. She liked to be fighting, acting, moving. But now there was nothing else for her to do. She'd fought for Lee as far as she could, made her feelings clear to him. The ball was in his court now; all she could do was wait to see if he returned it.

But it wasn't easy, and after nine hours she was ready to kick down the walls with frustration. She'd finished the magazine she'd brought with her, and she was bored of playing patience with her triad cards. What she really needed was a stiff drink in a rowdy bar, but she was afraid to leave her cabin in case he turned up.

No, she corrected herself fiercely, _when_ he turned up. He would. She had to believe that.

----

When the knock came on the hatch she thought for a second she'd misheard. But a moment later it came again, sounding impatient now.

She moved slowly to open the hatch, heart thumping, telling herself not to get her hopes up. It was probably just one of the crew checking she knew the evacuation procedures or something…

But it wasn't. She opened the hatch and there was Lee.

She stared at him, lost for words. She couldn't believe he was really here. His uniform was crumpled and he looked tired and irritated, but he was here.

She hadn't left it too late after all. A warm glow spread through her.

"Kara?"

She blinked. Lee was looking at her impatiently.

"Are you going to let me in or not?"

She realised suddenly she was blocking the doorway. She nodded and stepped back.

Lee followed her. He was carrying a small pack, which he dropped on the floor. He looked round at the cabin. It seemed to Kara as though he were looking anywhere but her.

"Well, here I am."

"Yes," said Kara, and stopped, unable to think what else to say. All of a sudden she felt incredibly nervous. She was afraid to speak, afraid to touch him, in case she said or did the wrong thing and frakked all this up. This was too important for mistakes.

Silence reigned for a moment. Lee still wasn't looking at her.

"I broke things off with Dee," he said abruptly. "She's gone back to Galactica."

Oh. A wave of relief and joy swept through her. Lee was frowning though, so she tried not to let her pleasure show too openly. It couldn't have been easy for him to do that.

"That must have been difficult," she said neutrally.

Lee finally looked at her, eyes burning. "Well, you didn't leave me much choice, did you?"

Kara didn't like the accusation in his tone. "I didn't ask you to leave her, Lee."

"Yes, you frakking did."

Kara bit back a retort and took a calming breath. She didn't want to get into an argument with him.

"Lee, what's wrong with you? Did you come here just to have a fight?"

Lee glared at her for a long moment, and then sighed. He blinked, and the tension seemed to go out of his body.

"I'm sorry." He ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean to…it's just been a tough day, that's all."

Kara could imagine. Looking at his face, she suddenly realised he was feeling as awkward as she was. And she had an idea.

"You look like you could use a drink," she said.

He sighed heavily. "I certainly could."

"And I'm starving," said Kara. "I've been stuck in here all day, waiting for you to turn up. Let's go find a bar."

Lee nodded, the last traces of irritation fading from his face. "Sounds like a good idea."

Kara picked up her jacket and headed towards the hatch. As she passed Lee, he put a hand on her arm.

"Kara?"

She turned. His blue eyes were staring intently into hers, and she swallowed. "What?"

"Thanks for waiting."

She smiled hesitantly. "Thanks for coming."

----

They went to the nearest bar, and Kara soon realised that this had definitely been a good idea. By the time they'd found a table and ordered some food their initial awkwardness had dissolved, and by the time they were on their second drinks they had both relaxed.

"Sorry about before," said Lee. "It's just been a difficult day, what with Dee and then telling Dad..."

Kara's head jerked up. "You told the Old Man about us?"

"Had to. Only way I could swing the leave pass."

Kara felt as if a hand had clamped around her throat. "How did he take it?"

"Pretty well," said Lee, taking a swallow of beer. "In fact, he didn't seem too surprised. I got the impression that he knew more about what was going on between us than I thought."

Kara shifted uncomfortably. "Well, the Old Man's no fool. So he wasn't…upset?"

"Not really." Lee looked surprised that she'd suggest it. "He seemed quite pleased, by the end of it."

"Good." Kara felt able to breathe again.

Lee looked as if he was about to say something more, but he was interrupted by the arrival of their food. They ate quickly, without much talking. Lee seemed to be just as hungry as she was. Kara caught him smiling at her a few times, and she relaxed further.

"Right," said Lee, when they'd both finished. He pushed his plate aside and picked up his glass of beer. "Time to talk."

"Talk?" said Kara nervously. "About what?"

"About what you were going to tell me when Hoshi interrupted."

"Oh. That." Kara's whole body tensed as she remembered.

"Yes. That." Lee's voice was quiet and serious. "You said you've always loved me, Kara. So why did you tell me you didn't care? Why did you marry Anders?"

Kara stared down at her plate, gathering her courage. She wasn't sure she could do this, although she knew she had to.

Suddenly she felt Lee take her hand. She looked up, and found that his eyes were fixed on her face, looking softer than she had ever seen them.

"Please Kara," he said, fingers gently stroking the back of her hand. "I know it's not easy for you, but I need to know. I need to understand."

She nodded, and took a deep breath. She could do this.

"I married Sam because it was safe."

"Safe?"

"Safe, comfortable, easy…take your pick."

"And that was what you wanted?" She could tell he was making an effort to keep his voice light.

"Yes. No. I just…I wanted…he didn't make me afraid. Not like you do."

"I make you afraid? _You_?" He sounded incredulous now. "Why?"

"Because you're too much!" she flung at him. "Everything's always been too much with you, Lee. I feel too much, care too much…you get too far inside me, you always have. And it scares the crap out of me."

He was silent for a moment. Kara glanced up and saw he was looking completely bewildered. Had he really had no clue how she felt about him? Obviously not.

"But Sam doesn't," he said slowly. "Doesn't get inside you."

"No. I loved him, but…it was easier. It didn't go as deep. I knew that if he left me, I could survive it." She smiled bitterly. "I was right about that part, at least."

Lee didn't reply. He was frowning in thought; she could practically see the gears turning in that logical brain of his.

"But then…do you mean…you thought you couldn't survive it if_ I_ left you?"

She nodded.

"So you pushed me away, destroyed everything between us because you were afraid _I'd_ leave _you_?" He sounded incredulous.

"Yes!" She glared at him. "Is that so hard to understand?"

"Kara…why would you think I'd leave you?" He was still looking confused. "Surely I made it clear I wanted to be with you, that I cared about you…"

"Come on, Lee, this is me we're talking about!" she snapped, suddenly furious. "Kara Thrace, the great screw-up. I always frak things up, one way or another, you know that. Look at Sam. Look at Zak." Her voice trailed away.

"Kara." She felt his hand tighten on hers. "Stop blaming yourself for everything."

She stared down at her plate, biting her lip.

"Just because things haven't worked out for you before doesn't mean they're not going to work out for us. Besides," he went on in a lighter tone, "who says it'll be you who fraks things up? My track record with relationships is just as bad."

Kara felt a smile tugging at her mouth in spite of herself. "I never thought of that."

"Well, you should have." She felt his fingers tilt up her chin, making her look at him. His eyes were intense and serious. "Kara, don't you realise it cuts both ways? That I feel as much for you as you do for me and I'm just as scared by it?"

"Oh." She stared at him as his words sank in, something beginning to warm inside her. "Really?"

He held her eyes firmly. "Really."

It gave her the courage to voice her next fear. "But how do you know it'll last? I'm not an easy person to live with, Lee, I know that. Maybe one day you'll decide it's all too much, that I'm not worth it-"

Her voice broke as she remembered the angry words he had thrown at her the day of their quarrel. _You're not worth loving…_

Looking at him she saw that he was remembering that too. His face was full of remorse.

"Kara, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for saying that. You know what I'm like when I'm angry - I say things I don't mean-"

She laughed bitterly. "Well, you know what, Lee? It sure feels like you mean them."

"Well I didn't." His hand was gripping hers so tightly that it hurt. "You _are_ worth it, Kara. You're worth everything I can give you."

For a moment Kara couldn't breathe. She stared at him uncertainly. "You – you don't mean that."

"Yes, I do. Kara, listen to me. Spending my life with you is the best future I can imagine, and I don't care how hard I have to work to get that. It's worth it. _You're _worth it."

He delivered every word with all the intensity he was capable of, his eyes focused on her face. Kara's throat closed up and for a moment she was afraid she was going to cry. She had never imagined he would ever say anything like that to her.

"Lee-"

"Believe it, Kara," he said fiercely. "Forget whatever your mother said to you and believe it."

Kara froze. "How do you know-?" She tried to pull her hand away from his, but he held firm.

"I don't _know_ anything. I've just…guessed at things over the years."

Oh. She closed her eyes, resenting the intrusion, even from him. "I won't talk about that, Lee."

"I'm not asking you to. If you ever want to, I'll listen, but if you don't, then that's okay."

He squeezed her hand, and after a moment she squeezed back.

"Kara, I don't know what else to say. I can't promise I'll never hurt you." A rueful smile passed across his face. "Knowing us, I probably _will_ hurt you, and I'm sure you'll hurt me right back. But I _can_ promise I won't give up on you."

He smiled at her, and Kara felt a weight lifting off her heart. He did understand. She'd never expected it, wasn't sure how, but he did understand.

"You promise?"

"I promise." He grinned. "Kara, look at what we've been through already. If I was going to give up on you, don't you think I'd have done it by now?"

She let herself grin back. "Maybe."

"Definitely. I'm afraid you're stuck with me for good."

Kara nodded. She would do this, she thought. She would take the risk, would jump and trust him to catch her fall.

"All right." She put out her other hand and he took it, seeming to know what she was thinking. "All right." Their eyes met in understanding, and her tears sprang up again.

----

Kara blotted the tears away with her sleeve. "I think that's enough talking."

"Okay," said Lee easily. He glanced over to a corner of the bar, where music was belting out of two old speakers. "How about a dance, then?"

Kara followed his gaze. There were a few people swaying on a tiny dance floor. "A dance?"

"Why not?" Lee grinned at her. "I've only danced with you once, and I've been wanting to do it again ever since."

Kara found herself tensing at the mention of Colonial Day, and Lee frowned.

"Don't, Kara." His eyes held hers, clear and steady. "New start, remember?"

Kara held his gaze for a moment, then rose to her feet. "Come on then. But you'd better not step on my toes this time."

"That was a complete accident," said Lee, taking her hand as they walked towards the dance floor. "Someone pushed me off balance-"

"Excuses, excuses," retorted Kara, feeling herself settle at the familiar banter. "I warn you, if you do it tonight, I'm never dancing with you again."

"That would be a pity." Lee pulled her into his arms, and Kara wrapped hers around his neck. She took a deep breath and let everything fade away. All the tension of the day, the churning emotions their conversation had aroused. She forgot about everything but the feel of Lee's arms around her waist and the warmth of his breath against her cheek.

They swayed gently to the music, so focused on each other they were barely aware of the other dancers around them.

"Yes," said Lee contentedly, as the song ended, "this is just as good as I remembered."

"Even though I'm not wearing a dress?" Kara grinned at that memory. "I thought your eyes were going to fall out of your head when you saw me."

"What can I say? You conceal your attractions so well…" Kara laughed and cuffed him lightly. Lee leaned closer. "Maybe you'd consider making wearing a dress a twice in a lifetime experience? If I make it worth your while?"

Kara grinned, heart soaring. She'd never imagined she could feel this happy. "And how exactly would you do that?"

"I'm sure I can think of a way." Lee moved even closer and kissed her.

Kara kissed him back, losing herself in it. The flare of heat was familiar, but in a way it felt as if it was the first time she was kissing him, because for the first time she wasn't holding anything back. She let everything she felt for him flood into the kiss, and she could feel him doing the same.

They parted only to gasp for air. They stared at each other, breathing heavily.

"You taste just the same," he said softly.

"So do you," said Kara, and pulled his head back to hers.

----

By the end of the next song they abandoned the dance floor, the tension too thick between them to stay any longer. They stumbled back to her cabin, hands locked together, pausing several times when the walk seemed impossibly long and one of them backed the other against a bulkhead for another kiss.

Finally they reached her cabin. Kara had barely pushed the hatch closed behind her before Lee pulled her back into his arms.

"You're too far away," he murmured, kissing his way down her neck.

Kara shivered. "I'm not going anywhere." She started to unbutton his jacket.

"Good." He kissed her mouth again, long and hard.

Kara caught his head between her hands, set him back a little. "Lee."

"What?" He looked impatient.

Kara bit her lip. "I…I need you to say it. I need you to look at me and say it."

"Oh." He gave her a smile that stopped her breath. "I love you, Kara."

Kara felt a shudder of relief run through her at the words. She knew how he felt, he'd shown her how he felt, but she'd still needed to hear them.

"I love you," he said again, kissing her shoulder as he unbuttoned her shirt.

"Lee..."

"I love you." He pushed her shirt off her shoulders and began to work on her bra, moving his mouth lower. "I love you," he said again, kissing her breast as she arched against him.

They moved to the bed, shedding clothes around them, and between every kiss, every caress, he told her he loved her. Kara's heart was so full that her throat ached and she couldn't speak. She spoke through actions instead, exploring the well-remembered lines of his body, stroking and kissing him relentlessly until he surrendered and shuddered against her.

She found her voice finally as she pushed him down on the bed and settled herself over him.

"I love you, Lee," she said, and lowered herself onto him. He gasped and closed his eyes, but they opened again a moment later, and fixed on hers.

"I love you," she said again, and repeated it on every thrust, her eyes never leaving his. She could see everything she was feeling reflected in those blue eyes. It felt as if the strength of their shared emotions was filling every inch of her, warm and fierce and dazzling, as if there was no distinction between them, not any more. As if she'd never be alone or separate again.

When the end came, they gasped the words together.

----

Lee woke slowly. He blinked at the unfamiliar room, wondering where he was. Then he remembered, and a smile spread across his face.

Kara.

He hadn't thought it was possible to be quite so happy. He finally had what he'd always wanted, and it was worth every minute he'd had to wait for it, everything he'd suffered through for it.

He turned over, meaning to take up where they'd left off last night, and found the bed was empty.

He blinked. He sat up, his heart starting to thump rapidly, and looked around the room.

She wasn't there.

_Calm down,_ he said to himself, trying to control his breathing. _She's just gone to the bathroom, that's all. She hasn't left._

She hadn't. She wouldn't, not after all they'd said last night.

_Surely she wouldn't?_

He couldn't help remembering the last time. He'd been so sure then, and look how that had turned out…

Then the bathroom door opened, and Kara walked into the room.

She smiled at him. "Hey, you're awake."

Lee tried to smile back, but he couldn't quite manage it. He felt sick with relief, and his hands were shaking slightly with the release of tension.

"Morning," he said, trying to cover it.

But this was Kara. She knew him too well to be fooled. She stared at his face, and her smile dropped away.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Lee," she said warningly. "Tell me."

"It's nothing," he protested. "It's just... you weren't here."

Kara sat down beside him on the bed, suddenly pale. "You thought I'd walked out on you."

"Kara-" Lee didn't like the look on her face.

"_Didn't you._"

"Only for a moment. I didn't really-"

"Yes, you did." The look of hurt on her face cut him to the heart. "How could you think that, Lee? How could you think I would do that to you after all we said last night?"

"Kara!" He moved towards her, cursing himself for being such a fool, but she turned away.

"How is this going to work between us if you don't trust me?" she said quietly, her voice low and anguished.

Panic swirled in Lee's stomach. He couldn't let her pull away from him like this, not now. He reached out and gripped her bare shoulder.

"Kara. Don't let me frak this up."

She turned, face blank with surprise. She stared at him for a moment, her eyes softening slightly.

"I thought I was the one who always frakked things up," she said finally.

There was a hint of a smile round her lips, and Lee took heart from it.

"I think that's a skill we share," he said ruefully. He slid his hand down her arm to brush against her fingers, and after a moment she opened them, let them twine with his.

"I'm sorry, Kara," he said firmly. "It's just…it brought back bad memories, waking alone." He leaned forward and kissed her shoulder. "Come back to bed."

He pulled back the covers and felt relief shudder through him when she nodded and slipped in beside him.

"I'm sorry, too. For giving you those bad memories." She lay on her side facing him, and reached out her hand to gently cup his cheek. "I'm not going to run away from this, Lee. Not any more. Believe me."

He nodded. She'd believed him last night; it was time for him to return that trust. It wouldn't be easy, and it would take time to grow fully. But he could make a start.

"I believe you," he said, and turned his head to kiss her palm.

Kara smiled. "We're going to be okay," she said softly. "Aren't we?"

Lee smiled back. "Yes. I really think we are."

**The End**

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**Author's Note: **Thanks very much to everyone who has read and reviewed this story, I do appreciate it. Hope you all have a happy Christmas and New Year.**  
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